Tired.

2013 is not shaping up to be the good year that I had hoped for. In fact the best way I can describe 2013 is tiring.  I'm tired of my husband working long, irregular hours and not getting to spend quality time with him, to the point that sometimes we act more like roommates than husband and wife. I'm tired of being a childless couple, i'm tired of TTC, i'm tired of temping, checking CM, taking OPKs, & seeing BFNs. I'm tired of having baby-less holidays & being childless on special occasions. I'm tired of seeing announcements from people that got pregnant easily, & I'm tired of trying to be happy for them.
I tired of the empty room right across the hallway that is sitting there waiting to be used & i'm tired of not wanting to use it for anything else "just in case"  we might need it soon. I'm sick of trying to make everyone else happy by doing things that I really don't want to do or not saying things that I really want to say. And over all i'm just physically and emotionally exhausted.


Up until a month or so ago, I thought I was doing pretty good. But here lately I've been quite the bitter Betty. It all started a few weeks ago when a friend of mine, who happened to announce that she was KU with #2 the same day back in Sept when I got my +HPT, announced that she was having a girl. I didn't realize she was that far along, then I realized she was 20 weeks. At that point, I may have lost my shit a little, not that I am not happy for her, her and her DH are great parents. But, it made me realize that had I not lost that pregnancy, I would be around half way through my pregnancy. Then I've seen several announcements over the course of the last few weeks and they for some reason have really hit me hard.

I suppose it's partly anger over not being currently around 20weeks pregnant due to the early m/c mixed with anger and anxiety from the fact the next month is 2 years! REALLY!? 2 EFFING YEARS!? Come on universe, I know people who have had 2 babies and are baking the 3rd with in those 2 years and I don't even get 1!?

Ok, i'm done venting for now!

You Say You want a Resolution.....

Here we are again. That magical time of year when everyone decides that their New Year's resolution will be to lose _____ lbs and be healthier. Last year I had several resolutions. First off, I wanted to be more 'green', so I decided to change one thing a month to a more 'green' option. Well, I think I made it to July or August, some changes stuck around, others did not. I also wanted to lose weight in 2012, and kick PCOS's ass.... Well, I lost 30lbs, started ovulating, and got pregnant (though the pregnancy ended early on). So overall, I think I rocked that resolution. Lastly, I wanted to be a better wife, as far as the domestic duties are concerned and well... I got BETTER, but I think that is still a work in progress.

As I look back at 2012, I have a lot to reflect on and a lot to give thanks for. Though we come out of it without a baby in our arm or even growing in my belly, we were blessed in many other ways through out the year. Now I need to focus on what we can do to make 2013 even better than 2012.
So these are my resolutions for 2013, they may or may not bring a baby into our lives, but it definitely should make life a little better:

First a foremost, I want to continue to lose weight, be healthy, and kick PCOS's ass. I think I gave PCOS a hell of a fight last year, but I am pretty determined to knock her out this year.

Also, I want to find a place to volunteer throughout the year. Anyone that knows me knows I just a big bleeding heart. When I pass a homeless person on the street, I am the kind of person that will give them money or food. Once I even gave one homeless man my flip-flops because he was walking down the street  barefoot. I love knowing I made someone else's day just a little bit better. So I would like to be able to do some sort of volunteer work to help others out once every few months or so.

Lastly, I want to be a better wife. Eric is a kind, loving, a patient man at heart. However, the last 2 years of infertility has definitely put a strain on our relationship and sometimes we are not as loving as we should be. We both need to start being more loving, patient, and kind to each other. I need to work on my temper, and try to remember that name-calling is not OK, even in a fight. And since our IF has been a test of faith, to say the least, I hope this year we can pray & grow in our faith together.

Well that's what is going to happen in 2013... well that and a baby (fingers crossed)!