Tired.

2013 is not shaping up to be the good year that I had hoped for. In fact the best way I can describe 2013 is tiring.  I'm tired of my husband working long, irregular hours and not getting to spend quality time with him, to the point that sometimes we act more like roommates than husband and wife. I'm tired of being a childless couple, i'm tired of TTC, i'm tired of temping, checking CM, taking OPKs, & seeing BFNs. I'm tired of having baby-less holidays & being childless on special occasions. I'm tired of seeing announcements from people that got pregnant easily, & I'm tired of trying to be happy for them.
I tired of the empty room right across the hallway that is sitting there waiting to be used & i'm tired of not wanting to use it for anything else "just in case"  we might need it soon. I'm sick of trying to make everyone else happy by doing things that I really don't want to do or not saying things that I really want to say. And over all i'm just physically and emotionally exhausted.


Up until a month or so ago, I thought I was doing pretty good. But here lately I've been quite the bitter Betty. It all started a few weeks ago when a friend of mine, who happened to announce that she was KU with #2 the same day back in Sept when I got my +HPT, announced that she was having a girl. I didn't realize she was that far along, then I realized she was 20 weeks. At that point, I may have lost my shit a little, not that I am not happy for her, her and her DH are great parents. But, it made me realize that had I not lost that pregnancy, I would be around half way through my pregnancy. Then I've seen several announcements over the course of the last few weeks and they for some reason have really hit me hard.

I suppose it's partly anger over not being currently around 20weeks pregnant due to the early m/c mixed with anger and anxiety from the fact the next month is 2 years! REALLY!? 2 EFFING YEARS!? Come on universe, I know people who have had 2 babies and are baking the 3rd with in those 2 years and I don't even get 1!?

Ok, i'm done venting for now!

You Say You want a Resolution.....

Here we are again. That magical time of year when everyone decides that their New Year's resolution will be to lose _____ lbs and be healthier. Last year I had several resolutions. First off, I wanted to be more 'green', so I decided to change one thing a month to a more 'green' option. Well, I think I made it to July or August, some changes stuck around, others did not. I also wanted to lose weight in 2012, and kick PCOS's ass.... Well, I lost 30lbs, started ovulating, and got pregnant (though the pregnancy ended early on). So overall, I think I rocked that resolution. Lastly, I wanted to be a better wife, as far as the domestic duties are concerned and well... I got BETTER, but I think that is still a work in progress.

As I look back at 2012, I have a lot to reflect on and a lot to give thanks for. Though we come out of it without a baby in our arm or even growing in my belly, we were blessed in many other ways through out the year. Now I need to focus on what we can do to make 2013 even better than 2012.
So these are my resolutions for 2013, they may or may not bring a baby into our lives, but it definitely should make life a little better:

First a foremost, I want to continue to lose weight, be healthy, and kick PCOS's ass. I think I gave PCOS a hell of a fight last year, but I am pretty determined to knock her out this year.

Also, I want to find a place to volunteer throughout the year. Anyone that knows me knows I just a big bleeding heart. When I pass a homeless person on the street, I am the kind of person that will give them money or food. Once I even gave one homeless man my flip-flops because he was walking down the street  barefoot. I love knowing I made someone else's day just a little bit better. So I would like to be able to do some sort of volunteer work to help others out once every few months or so.

Lastly, I want to be a better wife. Eric is a kind, loving, a patient man at heart. However, the last 2 years of infertility has definitely put a strain on our relationship and sometimes we are not as loving as we should be. We both need to start being more loving, patient, and kind to each other. I need to work on my temper, and try to remember that name-calling is not OK, even in a fight. And since our IF has been a test of faith, to say the least, I hope this year we can pray & grow in our faith together.

Well that's what is going to happen in 2013... well that and a baby (fingers crossed)!

2012.

2012.

So much has happened this year.

I started this year hopeless, defeated, & broken. 2012 has brought a lot of ups and down. It brought strength & determination. It brought me a new love and respect for my husband. It brought me ovulatory cycles. But it also brought loss, a loss that though it was early I will never understand or forget. My faith was tested. I questioned our plans, I questioned if were meant to have kids, and I questioned God.
At the end I had only enough strength to believe. I had no other choice than to have faith.

In 2012 we also found a house, our home. The home where we will raise our children, both ones that we conceive through natural or medical methods  and ones that we are blessed with through adoption.

2012 showed me that I am strong enough to beat this and 2013 will be the year that I do.

Peace,  Love, & Happy New Year Y'all,
Kayla

All I want for Christmas....

I am 7dpo and all I want for Christmas is for this cycle to work! This month marked 2 from when we stop preventing and in just 2 more months it will be 2 years since we actively started TTC. However,I can say I am much less frustrated, irritated, & depressed than I was last year. In fact, I would take "depressed" off that list entirely. Though as we approach another baby-less Christmas in the Vidrine house, it would be east to be angry, bitter, and depressed. However all of those emotions take far to much energy.

Here lately, I have made peace with my current state of childlessness because I know that it shall pass. I know in my heart of hearts that I will not be childless forever, our family will grow, possibly through good old-fashioned baby making, maybe with the help of fertility treatments or reproductive technologies, and definitely at some point through adoption. That is not to say that I don't still have bad moments, and even the occasional bad day, but I am choosing to not let those moments, hours, or days, when I feel bitter, jealous, or irritated define me as a person.

A while back, my amazing herbalist whom I love sent me a message that has stuck with me over these last few months. She told me to stop referring to myself as infertile, though it may be medically true. In her words, "The body obeys what the mind believes", In other words if my mind is constantly bitter, angry and 'infertile' then my body is going to be bitter, angry, and infertile. So as I sit here I think about how far I have come in the past year. I have lost about 30lbs, I have gone from 60+ day anovulatory cycles to 32-34 day ovulatory cycles. I am hopeful where I was before depressed and defeated. I no longer feel tired and irritable all the time, and I have learned to appreciate all the many blessings that I do have in my life, instead of focusing on what I don't have YET! I hope that all the amazing women I know that suffer from infertility can eventually find this peace. Here's to hoping for a Christmas miracle, I can only pray that this time next year will be our first Christmas with a baby and I also pray that all of my TTC friends get that gift too!

Merry Christmas Y'all

Positive AffirmationFriday- 11/2

So I've been slacking on Positive Affirmation Friday. To be honest, after our loss I wasn't feeling very positive for awhile. But because I have so many awesome people in my life, I have been in a pretty good mind set lately. I still have bad days, but don't we all.

I truly believe that I have been given this challenge for a reason. I believe it has made me a stronger person and a more compassionate and understanding person toward others. I am stronger than my challenges and I will beat them, and so will you. :)

Just rambling really.

Sorry I've been MIA lately. I've had other things on my mind. We found a house, to be specific, we found 'our' house. As soon as I saw it online, I knew it was ours. We drove by to look at it and I fell in love. We met with the realtor, had an actual viewing of it and I fell madly in love.
We got approved for the loan, had it inspected, made an offer, the seller's made a counter offer, and we accepted the counter offer. Now we wait for the lender to put the final 300 stamps of approval on it before we can close.

I must say although this process is long, drawn out, and mildly stressful, I am not nearly as stressed out as I thought I would be through this. It's actually a nice break from TTC, it has given me something else to focus on for awhile. Something that I am working toward that I can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I THINK that I Oed again this month!! I've been a horrible temp-er so FF hasn't confirmed it yet but I had a pretty big temp jump on CD24, and the few temps i've done since have all been up in O range. We are still (kind of) trying to avoid (TTA). Basically, we are TTA but if it happens we will still be over the moon with excitement. I think we did good this cycle, we didn't have ST during the "fertile window", well actually we had ST on O-5 (5 days before O), which very rarely results in pregnancy, but I can...and it did when I got the +hpt last month when we were still TTC.
I will say knowing that I O, and that we "wasted an opportunity" is a little strange after nearly 2 years of trying to have perfect timing.

I'm still working on weight loss, and that as been a bust so far. I have not been able to find the energy, or motivation to diet or exercise. But I'm pretty on it today. I went to the store and bought lost of grass-fed beef(that was actually on MAJOR sale) some all natural chicken, bacon, and breakfast sausage. So hopefully I can actually get my shit together and actually start eating right again!

I'm on some new herbs and I will be starting some more soon. I will do a separate post on all that once I get them all in.

So for now I just need to stop being a fatty and eat right. CARBS BAD, SUGAR BAD,PROTEIN GOOD!!
and queue new manta..........

I might print thing out and tape it too the pantry, fridge, and keep it in my car! I wonder if I can talk the area Jack-in-the-Boxes and see if they can tape it too their menu boards, JITB tacos are my  biggest weakness currently.

Where do we go from here?

After about a week of moping around feeling angry, upset, and just plain pissed the fuck off....I realized, I need to snap out of it. Pouting, sitting on my ass, and eating cheesecake was not going to make me pregnant again. So I've put on my "big girl panties" and I'm dealing with it. Not that I won't always miss what we have lost, there will always be a little piece missing, but there is nothing I can do to change that.

I realized soon after the loss that we would have a decision to make, Option A- to jump right back into TTC, dive head first and hope we don't drown again or Option B- Take a break, spend some time out of the 'water' lounging in the sun to give our minds and my body time to find peace & recuperate. I talked to Eric some to try to get his opinion, he said he would like to start trying again right away, but that he will understand and respect any decision I make. So there it was, the decision was, for the most part, entirely mine to make.

 I've gone back and forth on my decision in the past week. On one hand, I don't want to miss any opportunities to get KTFU, since they don't come around regularly. Also, I'm ready to have our take-home baby, I'm ready to give birth and be a mom. On the other, I am a little terrified of actually being pregnant, too many complications come along with being overweight with PCOS and pregnancy. Miscarriage being one of them,but also high blood pressure, diabetes, etc. Originally I thought about just taking off a cycle, just for a little break. But the more I got to thinking about I the more I realized what is that I really want to do.

I honestly feel like we have spent the last 20 months trying to force something to happen, that just isn't meant to happen yet. God/ the universe/ nature was trying to tell us something, that my body is not healthy enough yet to  safely give life to another being. I want to have a healthy, safe, and natural pregnancy, birth, & baby. But how can I achieve that when I am not healthy? I cannot, there is no way that I can expect to go into a pregnancy unhealthy and somehow, magically, become healthy.So after much consideration we (well I) decided to TTA (try to avoid) for awhile. I'm not going on any birth control or anything, instead we are going to practice NFP (Natural Family Planning), for those of you who don't know what that is, basically after charting my BBT for so long TTC and these last few months actually being able to see the changes my temps and body goes though around the time of O... I know when I ovulate. So pretty much we will just avoid sex during that time. Now NFP is about as effective as hormonal birth control when practiced correctly, with normal cycles, which I do not have. So, it might not work, I might get pregnant anyway. Which of course would be perfectly fine and we would be more than happy, and I would just have to try my best to be as healthy as possible throughout the pregnancy. But knowing the increased risks of PCOS & Obesity , I just don't feel like those are risks that I am willing to take right now.

So when will be start trying again? Well really, even though we will be TTA for awhile, in my book we are still trying.I will still be talking steps to increase my fertility to make conception possible and pregnancy healthier, I will be trying to lose weight and trying to get health for myself and our future children. However,we will stop TTA when I reach my mini- weight loss goal of 210. Then hopefully in the in the time that it will take us to conceive again (which hopefully won't be too long) I can get that number under 200. So my goal is to get to 210 by the end of this year so we can start 2013 off on a good foot and hopefully 2013 will be our year! It's not going to be easy, that's 27lbs in 3 months but it's doable by losing just 2-3lbs a week.

So there is it. Our (well really My) plan of action. This blog has gotten long and rambley, so that's enough for now, I'll say more later.