Where do we go from here?

After about a week of moping around feeling angry, upset, and just plain pissed the fuck off....I realized, I need to snap out of it. Pouting, sitting on my ass, and eating cheesecake was not going to make me pregnant again. So I've put on my "big girl panties" and I'm dealing with it. Not that I won't always miss what we have lost, there will always be a little piece missing, but there is nothing I can do to change that.

I realized soon after the loss that we would have a decision to make, Option A- to jump right back into TTC, dive head first and hope we don't drown again or Option B- Take a break, spend some time out of the 'water' lounging in the sun to give our minds and my body time to find peace & recuperate. I talked to Eric some to try to get his opinion, he said he would like to start trying again right away, but that he will understand and respect any decision I make. So there it was, the decision was, for the most part, entirely mine to make.

 I've gone back and forth on my decision in the past week. On one hand, I don't want to miss any opportunities to get KTFU, since they don't come around regularly. Also, I'm ready to have our take-home baby, I'm ready to give birth and be a mom. On the other, I am a little terrified of actually being pregnant, too many complications come along with being overweight with PCOS and pregnancy. Miscarriage being one of them,but also high blood pressure, diabetes, etc. Originally I thought about just taking off a cycle, just for a little break. But the more I got to thinking about I the more I realized what is that I really want to do.

I honestly feel like we have spent the last 20 months trying to force something to happen, that just isn't meant to happen yet. God/ the universe/ nature was trying to tell us something, that my body is not healthy enough yet to  safely give life to another being. I want to have a healthy, safe, and natural pregnancy, birth, & baby. But how can I achieve that when I am not healthy? I cannot, there is no way that I can expect to go into a pregnancy unhealthy and somehow, magically, become healthy.So after much consideration we (well I) decided to TTA (try to avoid) for awhile. I'm not going on any birth control or anything, instead we are going to practice NFP (Natural Family Planning), for those of you who don't know what that is, basically after charting my BBT for so long TTC and these last few months actually being able to see the changes my temps and body goes though around the time of O... I know when I ovulate. So pretty much we will just avoid sex during that time. Now NFP is about as effective as hormonal birth control when practiced correctly, with normal cycles, which I do not have. So, it might not work, I might get pregnant anyway. Which of course would be perfectly fine and we would be more than happy, and I would just have to try my best to be as healthy as possible throughout the pregnancy. But knowing the increased risks of PCOS & Obesity , I just don't feel like those are risks that I am willing to take right now.

So when will be start trying again? Well really, even though we will be TTA for awhile, in my book we are still trying.I will still be talking steps to increase my fertility to make conception possible and pregnancy healthier, I will be trying to lose weight and trying to get health for myself and our future children. However,we will stop TTA when I reach my mini- weight loss goal of 210. Then hopefully in the in the time that it will take us to conceive again (which hopefully won't be too long) I can get that number under 200. So my goal is to get to 210 by the end of this year so we can start 2013 off on a good foot and hopefully 2013 will be our year! It's not going to be easy, that's 27lbs in 3 months but it's doable by losing just 2-3lbs a week.

So there is it. Our (well really My) plan of action. This blog has gotten long and rambley, so that's enough for now, I'll say more later.