Beta #2- Little Seed is growing!

Yesterday I went in for Beta #2. I was super nervous for the results today, though I am still getting strong clear positives on HPTs. So I could barely sleep last night since I was such a nervous wreak! I woke up this morning around 930 and couldn't wait any longer. I called the OB's office and asked to speak with the nurse. She said she would have to call me back around lunch time because she was busy. I reluctantly agreed and tried to go back to sleep.

As lunch time approached  I decided to call again, because well...i'm impatient. The nurse got on the phone, it took her a minute to find the results and then proceeded to tell me that my progesterone is good and hCG was still low at 396. I about freaked out. She said that it was no big deal, she'll schedule me for a 3rd beta. UM. EXCUSE ME! NO BIG DEAL!? THAT IS THE SAME AS LAST TIME WHEN IT SHOULD BE AROUND 800! So I asked her if I should be concerned and she told me to hold on so she could look at my previous results. The she started apologizing , because apparently she was looking at the results from the first beta! So she quickly pulled up the right one and apologized once again before informing me that my hCG level was just shy of tripling at 1044!

So everything seems to be on the right track, our little seed seems to be snuggled in and growing!!
Now to find us a midwife!! :)

Snuggle in tight.

 Thursday afternoon, being a few days past when I was expecting my period,I decided to take the last pregnancy test that I had. It was a digital, which I usually save for when I get a questionable dye test, but seeing as how I bought it on clearance for $1 because the box was damaged, I figured 'what the heck, i'll only be wasting $1!' . After the test screen blinked for what seemed like 30 mins, the word "Pregnant" appeared. The only other time I have ever seen that word on a digi test it was also accompanied by the word "Not".I was in total shock, my hands started shaking and I honestly didn't believe it. I closed my eyes, just knowing that when I opened them that there word "not" would be there. But, it wasn't.

Eric was at work but I couldn't wait, I called him and told him and he didn't really believe me. He figured it was a defective test or something. He told me to go get some more, so I went to Walgreen's and got another pack of digis. Then I killed sometime hanging out with my cousin  to build up some pee. When I got home I took another test and again, to my shock, I was 2 for 2! I sent it to Eric and got the response "OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG OMG!!!" & later that night I took a 3rd digital test and sure enough it was positive.

I made it into my OB's office Friday and they gave me another test there which put me 4 for 4 BFPs and gave me a "due date" of  October 5. However, KNOWING that I didn't ovulate on CD14, that due date is not accurate. Based on my calculations it's more around October 11ish, but regardless, early to mid October. He sent the order to the lab for my first beta (blood work to check hormone levels) and I went in on Monday to get it done. about 24 LONG hours later, I hear back from the OB nurse telling me that I am in fact pregnant and that my progesterone levels look good, but my HCG level is a little low at 397 (mind you anything over 5 is considered pregnant). After a minor freak out I realized that she is basing that off of what my HCG level should be, if I were to have ovulated on cycle day 14 but since I'm about 5-7 days behind where they say I am (yes, I do know better than the Dr., since I know my own body) my HCG is well with in a normal range. I went back in today for more blood work, to make sure my numbers are doubling. I'm nervous but I'm trying to have faith that this is it. We have shared the news with our close family and friends, knowing that they will be praying for and sending lots of good energy to our baby.

I am pregnant.
5 weeks, give or take a day or 2.
 I have 2 Betas down and hopefully only 1 more to go.
Our baby is the size of an apple seed and it's little heart should start beating soon!
Symptoms : Heartburn (even from bananas!), fatigue, and the occasional stabby boob pain. But over all I feel great, I mean how could I not! The one thing I have wanted more than anything for the last 2 years has happened, and I'm going to enjoy it, heartburn and all!

Here's to hoping our little apple seed is snuggled in tight and ready to grow!!

Tired.

2013 is not shaping up to be the good year that I had hoped for. In fact the best way I can describe 2013 is tiring.  I'm tired of my husband working long, irregular hours and not getting to spend quality time with him, to the point that sometimes we act more like roommates than husband and wife. I'm tired of being a childless couple, i'm tired of TTC, i'm tired of temping, checking CM, taking OPKs, & seeing BFNs. I'm tired of having baby-less holidays & being childless on special occasions. I'm tired of seeing announcements from people that got pregnant easily, & I'm tired of trying to be happy for them.
I tired of the empty room right across the hallway that is sitting there waiting to be used & i'm tired of not wanting to use it for anything else "just in case"  we might need it soon. I'm sick of trying to make everyone else happy by doing things that I really don't want to do or not saying things that I really want to say. And over all i'm just physically and emotionally exhausted.


Up until a month or so ago, I thought I was doing pretty good. But here lately I've been quite the bitter Betty. It all started a few weeks ago when a friend of mine, who happened to announce that she was KU with #2 the same day back in Sept when I got my +HPT, announced that she was having a girl. I didn't realize she was that far along, then I realized she was 20 weeks. At that point, I may have lost my shit a little, not that I am not happy for her, her and her DH are great parents. But, it made me realize that had I not lost that pregnancy, I would be around half way through my pregnancy. Then I've seen several announcements over the course of the last few weeks and they for some reason have really hit me hard.

I suppose it's partly anger over not being currently around 20weeks pregnant due to the early m/c mixed with anger and anxiety from the fact the next month is 2 years! REALLY!? 2 EFFING YEARS!? Come on universe, I know people who have had 2 babies and are baking the 3rd with in those 2 years and I don't even get 1!?

Ok, i'm done venting for now!

You Say You want a Resolution.....

Here we are again. That magical time of year when everyone decides that their New Year's resolution will be to lose _____ lbs and be healthier. Last year I had several resolutions. First off, I wanted to be more 'green', so I decided to change one thing a month to a more 'green' option. Well, I think I made it to July or August, some changes stuck around, others did not. I also wanted to lose weight in 2012, and kick PCOS's ass.... Well, I lost 30lbs, started ovulating, and got pregnant (though the pregnancy ended early on). So overall, I think I rocked that resolution. Lastly, I wanted to be a better wife, as far as the domestic duties are concerned and well... I got BETTER, but I think that is still a work in progress.

As I look back at 2012, I have a lot to reflect on and a lot to give thanks for. Though we come out of it without a baby in our arm or even growing in my belly, we were blessed in many other ways through out the year. Now I need to focus on what we can do to make 2013 even better than 2012.
So these are my resolutions for 2013, they may or may not bring a baby into our lives, but it definitely should make life a little better:

First a foremost, I want to continue to lose weight, be healthy, and kick PCOS's ass. I think I gave PCOS a hell of a fight last year, but I am pretty determined to knock her out this year.

Also, I want to find a place to volunteer throughout the year. Anyone that knows me knows I just a big bleeding heart. When I pass a homeless person on the street, I am the kind of person that will give them money or food. Once I even gave one homeless man my flip-flops because he was walking down the street  barefoot. I love knowing I made someone else's day just a little bit better. So I would like to be able to do some sort of volunteer work to help others out once every few months or so.

Lastly, I want to be a better wife. Eric is a kind, loving, a patient man at heart. However, the last 2 years of infertility has definitely put a strain on our relationship and sometimes we are not as loving as we should be. We both need to start being more loving, patient, and kind to each other. I need to work on my temper, and try to remember that name-calling is not OK, even in a fight. And since our IF has been a test of faith, to say the least, I hope this year we can pray & grow in our faith together.

Well that's what is going to happen in 2013... well that and a baby (fingers crossed)!

2012.

2012.

So much has happened this year.

I started this year hopeless, defeated, & broken. 2012 has brought a lot of ups and down. It brought strength & determination. It brought me a new love and respect for my husband. It brought me ovulatory cycles. But it also brought loss, a loss that though it was early I will never understand or forget. My faith was tested. I questioned our plans, I questioned if were meant to have kids, and I questioned God.
At the end I had only enough strength to believe. I had no other choice than to have faith.

In 2012 we also found a house, our home. The home where we will raise our children, both ones that we conceive through natural or medical methods  and ones that we are blessed with through adoption.

2012 showed me that I am strong enough to beat this and 2013 will be the year that I do.

Peace,  Love, & Happy New Year Y'all,
Kayla

All I want for Christmas....

I am 7dpo and all I want for Christmas is for this cycle to work! This month marked 2 from when we stop preventing and in just 2 more months it will be 2 years since we actively started TTC. However,I can say I am much less frustrated, irritated, & depressed than I was last year. In fact, I would take "depressed" off that list entirely. Though as we approach another baby-less Christmas in the Vidrine house, it would be east to be angry, bitter, and depressed. However all of those emotions take far to much energy.

Here lately, I have made peace with my current state of childlessness because I know that it shall pass. I know in my heart of hearts that I will not be childless forever, our family will grow, possibly through good old-fashioned baby making, maybe with the help of fertility treatments or reproductive technologies, and definitely at some point through adoption. That is not to say that I don't still have bad moments, and even the occasional bad day, but I am choosing to not let those moments, hours, or days, when I feel bitter, jealous, or irritated define me as a person.

A while back, my amazing herbalist whom I love sent me a message that has stuck with me over these last few months. She told me to stop referring to myself as infertile, though it may be medically true. In her words, "The body obeys what the mind believes", In other words if my mind is constantly bitter, angry and 'infertile' then my body is going to be bitter, angry, and infertile. So as I sit here I think about how far I have come in the past year. I have lost about 30lbs, I have gone from 60+ day anovulatory cycles to 32-34 day ovulatory cycles. I am hopeful where I was before depressed and defeated. I no longer feel tired and irritable all the time, and I have learned to appreciate all the many blessings that I do have in my life, instead of focusing on what I don't have YET! I hope that all the amazing women I know that suffer from infertility can eventually find this peace. Here's to hoping for a Christmas miracle, I can only pray that this time next year will be our first Christmas with a baby and I also pray that all of my TTC friends get that gift too!

Merry Christmas Y'all

Positive AffirmationFriday- 11/2

So I've been slacking on Positive Affirmation Friday. To be honest, after our loss I wasn't feeling very positive for awhile. But because I have so many awesome people in my life, I have been in a pretty good mind set lately. I still have bad days, but don't we all.

I truly believe that I have been given this challenge for a reason. I believe it has made me a stronger person and a more compassionate and understanding person toward others. I am stronger than my challenges and I will beat them, and so will you. :)