Ok so my TTC buddy, V, suggested we start posting weekly weigh-ins on our blogs, as a wak to stay accountable.. so im going to give it a shot.
Starting Weight/current weight/goal weight?
261(heaviest recorded)/243/175
68lbs to go!
2. How much weight have I lost this week?
up 2 actully. :-/
3. What eating plan are you following?
Paleo Diet
4. What kind of exercise have I engaged in over this past week? How many hours?
gym today for about an hour. and helping a friend move(that should cound for something)
5. How was I successful this week ?
I made it to the gym once...thats about it!
6. Any slips or set backs this week?
ALL WEEK LONG! It's been a bad week for my diet! Getting back on the wagon tomorrow.
7. My motivation for losing weight this week?
I had a 'normal' cycle last cycle! a textbook perferct 28 days. so im hoping to stay healthy and repeat that again!
8. Wild Card!!!
I feel horrible about cheating all week long! ANYTIME I cheat, I feel guilty that I'm not doing what I need too for my family, like I'm being a bad mother already.
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Friday, May 25, 2012
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Happy Reminder You're Not a Mother Day.
So I know I haven't updated in awhile, since Eric's exciting sperm news. But with with it being Mother's Day ...I felt like some therapeutic blogging was in order. Mother's Day is hard for a many people... mothers who have lost children, children who have no mother in their lives or anyone who has lost their mother. And people easily understand why this day is hard on them. But there is another group who also dread Mother's Day, and people don't seem to think about them or understand why this day upsets them. Yes people, I'm talking about those of us who are childless, and not by choice. It's cool, I didn't truely understand until this year...
Last year a close friend of my who was about a 1 1/2 years TTC at the time had a mini-break down. I tried my best to comfort her, but I was only a few months into TTC at the time, so I'm sure I wasn't much help. I remember thinking, and probably saying something to the effect of "well it will be better next year, we'll both have babies or at least be pregnant by next mother's day" OH TO BE NAIVE!
Unfortunately, another Mother's Day is here and the both of us, along with many other lovely ladies that wish night & day for a baby are still, babyless.
This year I understand my friend's break down. Being at about a year and a half now, the thought of a childless Mother's Day really stings. Knowing I will not hear "Happy Mother's Day", get flowers from my DH, or little hand print pictures from kidlets, Hearing everyone wishing each other 'Happy Mother's Day' in Sunday School in the morning will be a reminder that we are the only childless couple in the class. During the service all the mother's will receive roses and the sermen will surely be about something pertaining to Mother's Day. I'm sure there will be some sort of statement made to the effect of what a "blessing children and motherhood" is which will undoubtedly make me want to go to the bathroom and ugly cry, and then there is also the heightened threat of someone asking when we are going to have kids. Can you tell I'm already a little on edge!?
The main reason, to be, that this is going to be a hard day is that in some ways I feel like a mother already. I know this sounds crazy, but I plan for, sacrifice for, and love my children, even though they are not conceived yet. I spend my time researching ways to conceive these babies, I take nasty vitamins and herbs. I have pretty much cut out sugar, carbs, caffeine, and alcohol to better control my PCOS so I can get knocked up. I take metformin, which makes me violently sick. I wake up at 5am every morning to take my temp and pee on OPKs daily to try to track my ovulation (except for right now since we are still on a 'break'). All of this just for a chance to the called 'Momee'. I've planned so much already from a birth plan, to the type of cloth diapers i want to use, even the the names for 3 girls and 2 boys. Now all i need is the babies for all these plans.
my friend sent me this poem awhile back that I thought i would share with everyone for Mother's Day. It really is the perfect explanation of how I, and most infertiles feel on mother's day.
Happy Mother's Day”
it comes around every year;
but when you have empty arms,
it's very hard to hear.
It's a day to celebrate a mother,
for all the trials she overcame;
and a reminder to an infertile
of her loneliness and shame.
But what really makes a mother,
Is it just conception and birth?
Or is there something more,
that shows a mother's worth?
It's putting your child first,
in everything you do;
it's sacrifice and determination,
and love and patience too.
An infertile woman makes all her plans,
around a child not yet conceived;
she loves them even though they aren't here,
more than she ever could have believed.
She appreciates and understands,
what a blessing that children are;
she works hard for just a chance,
that motherhood is not that far.
All odds are stacked against her,
and yet she still has hope;
everyday is another struggle,
finding ways to help her cope.
So even though her arms are empty,
she can still be a mother too;
So say a special “Happy Mother's Day”
for those waiting for their dreams to come true!
So Happy Mother's Day to every woman. Whether you have kids or are still on your journey toward motherhood. Empty arms are hard, especially on this day, so if you know a woman struggling with infertility, make her arms not empty for a second by giving her a hug!
Here's to hoping things will be different next year.
ALSO... HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY MOMEE, I LOVE YOU, you're the best!
Last year a close friend of my who was about a 1 1/2 years TTC at the time had a mini-break down. I tried my best to comfort her, but I was only a few months into TTC at the time, so I'm sure I wasn't much help. I remember thinking, and probably saying something to the effect of "well it will be better next year, we'll both have babies or at least be pregnant by next mother's day" OH TO BE NAIVE!
Unfortunately, another Mother's Day is here and the both of us, along with many other lovely ladies that wish night & day for a baby are still, babyless.
This year I understand my friend's break down. Being at about a year and a half now, the thought of a childless Mother's Day really stings. Knowing I will not hear "Happy Mother's Day", get flowers from my DH, or little hand print pictures from kidlets, Hearing everyone wishing each other 'Happy Mother's Day' in Sunday School in the morning will be a reminder that we are the only childless couple in the class. During the service all the mother's will receive roses and the sermen will surely be about something pertaining to Mother's Day. I'm sure there will be some sort of statement made to the effect of what a "blessing children and motherhood" is which will undoubtedly make me want to go to the bathroom and ugly cry, and then there is also the heightened threat of someone asking when we are going to have kids. Can you tell I'm already a little on edge!?
The main reason, to be, that this is going to be a hard day is that in some ways I feel like a mother already. I know this sounds crazy, but I plan for, sacrifice for, and love my children, even though they are not conceived yet. I spend my time researching ways to conceive these babies, I take nasty vitamins and herbs. I have pretty much cut out sugar, carbs, caffeine, and alcohol to better control my PCOS so I can get knocked up. I take metformin, which makes me violently sick. I wake up at 5am every morning to take my temp and pee on OPKs daily to try to track my ovulation (except for right now since we are still on a 'break'). All of this just for a chance to the called 'Momee'. I've planned so much already from a birth plan, to the type of cloth diapers i want to use, even the the names for 3 girls and 2 boys. Now all i need is the babies for all these plans.
my friend sent me this poem awhile back that I thought i would share with everyone for Mother's Day. It really is the perfect explanation of how I, and most infertiles feel on mother's day.
Happy Mother's Day”
it comes around every year;
but when you have empty arms,
it's very hard to hear.
It's a day to celebrate a mother,
for all the trials she overcame;
and a reminder to an infertile
of her loneliness and shame.
But what really makes a mother,
Is it just conception and birth?
Or is there something more,
that shows a mother's worth?
It's putting your child first,
in everything you do;
it's sacrifice and determination,
and love and patience too.
An infertile woman makes all her plans,
around a child not yet conceived;
she loves them even though they aren't here,
more than she ever could have believed.
She appreciates and understands,
what a blessing that children are;
she works hard for just a chance,
that motherhood is not that far.
All odds are stacked against her,
and yet she still has hope;
everyday is another struggle,
finding ways to help her cope.
So even though her arms are empty,
she can still be a mother too;
So say a special “Happy Mother's Day”
for those waiting for their dreams to come true!
So Happy Mother's Day to every woman. Whether you have kids or are still on your journey toward motherhood. Empty arms are hard, especially on this day, so if you know a woman struggling with infertility, make her arms not empty for a second by giving her a hug!
Here's to hoping things will be different next year.
ALSO... HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY MOMEE, I LOVE YOU, you're the best!
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
Houston we have...
SPERM!
This morning I talked to the RE about E's results and though they could be better...she said they were average!! I'm not going to lie, for the past nearly 4 years since Eric and I have been together I've worried about the effect of this cancer treatments on his fertility. Even when his Oncologist assured us that there shouldn't be an issue... I was still nervous.
I'm a happy girl right now! It's a huge weight off our shoulders now that we know he's not part of the issue. On the other hand, now I know its all me... the ball is in my court and it's time to get serious.We are quickly approching a year and a half now and i'm ready to be done with this TTC crap for awhile!
I've lost a few pounds since starting the Paleo Diet. I've also noticed an increase in energy!! I've have horrible sugar and carb cravings though, like hardcore, wet-dream type of cravings. lol. Hopefully those will go away soon or i might kill someone!
Well that's about all I have to update for now!! BYE!
This morning I talked to the RE about E's results and though they could be better...she said they were average!! I'm not going to lie, for the past nearly 4 years since Eric and I have been together I've worried about the effect of this cancer treatments on his fertility. Even when his Oncologist assured us that there shouldn't be an issue... I was still nervous.
I'm a happy girl right now! It's a huge weight off our shoulders now that we know he's not part of the issue. On the other hand, now I know its all me... the ball is in my court and it's time to get serious.We are quickly approching a year and a half now and i'm ready to be done with this TTC crap for awhile!
I've lost a few pounds since starting the Paleo Diet. I've also noticed an increase in energy!! I've have horrible sugar and carb cravings though, like hardcore, wet-dream type of cravings. lol. Hopefully those will go away soon or i might kill someone!
Well that's about all I have to update for now!! BYE!
Monday, April 23, 2012
Don't Ignore... PCOS.
I want to start off my saying that all infertility, no matter if its due to PCOS, Endometriosis, Male Factor or even unexplained IF is hard. My IF journey is the most difficult and emotional ordeal I have ever been through. All forms of infertility need research and support. However, with PCOS being the leading cause of IF in woman (affects 1 in 10 women) research and awareness are critical. PCOS is more than a fertility issue, it can cause a vast array of issues from mood swings, acne, hirsutism (excess hair growth), to more serious issues such as depression, diabetes, endometrial cancers & heart attack.
I ignored my PCOS symptoms for a lot longer than I should have, through out my teens my cycles were very irregular, if i got them at all. From age 17-19 I didn't even have a period, why I didn't go to the Dr...I'm not really sure... scared, I guess. And before that I would go months or a year without a cycle at all. I wish I would have seen the Dr. then because if i had my PCOS could be under control by now, making it easier to conceive.
There are many signs and symptoms of PCOS, and I urge anyone that is experiencing these or any other 'lady issues' to seek medical advice.
Symptoms of PCOS include:
-Few or absent periods (especially if you have 6 or less periods a year)
-Heavy, irregular bleeding
-Acne
-Other skin issues such as skin tags and dark velvety skin patches under the arms on the back of the neck, in the groin area and occasionally knees and elbows
-Hair loss from the head and/or irregular hair growth on the body
-Depression
-Weight gain & obesity, especially around the abdomen
-Difficulty losing weight, even with diet and exercise
-Repeat miscarriages
-Difficulty getting pregnant (after 1 year of trying)
Don't ignore these symptoms, the sooner you get to the Dr. and get diagnosed, the sooner and can start treatment and get your PCOS under control and the earlier you catch it the easier it can be to manage (there is no cure). Also like I said earlier, if you are having ANY 'lady issues' see your Dr. even if they are not PCOS related they can still be serious and have an impact on your health and fertility.
Furthermore, if you get diagnosed with PCOS or have already been diagnosed...DON'T IGNORE YOUR PCOS! Though there is no cure for PCOS, it can be well managed with meds, diet, and exercise. Some woman can actually clear them selves of symptoms completely with proper diet & exercise. They key to PCOS weight loss is a low carb/ low GI type of diet (IE. Atkins, South Beach, etc.) Also the Paleo diet is suppose to work WONDERS for PCOS, it is the diet I'm currently on per orders of my herbalist. I've only started it a few days ago so i can't say how its working, but I've read and head lots of good things about it. Also, weight-baring exercise is good for PCOS due to the fact that building muscle helps increase the metabolism. Not caring for your PCOS can lead to more weight gain, high blood pressure and cholesterol which increase your risk of heart attack and stroke, diabetes, and many other issues. Bottom line, take care of yourself.
The last thing I want to talk about in this post, even though I think I will be posting a lot this week on similar topics, is don't ignore the fact that the infertility cause by PCOS (and many other issues) is a REAL problem. People sometimes think that infertility is not a real issue due because "it won't kill you" or "worse things could happen". Like I've already discussed PCOS can lead to some very real health conditions and Endometriosis can too. But in addition the psychological effects of infertility a numerous. Coming to terms with the fact that you may never be able to have children is devastating, especially for women who spend their entire childhood playing house with baby dolls, pretending to be mommies. I know personally I wanted to be a lot of different things growing up... an ice skater (until my my pointed out to me that ice skaters don't have big boobs, and i decided having big boobs was more important PS: i was 8 at the time), a rock star, and actress, and I'm sure the list goes on but one thing that has never changed is that I wanted to be a Mom. Always, from my earliest memories. Now i'm sure many of you are thinking 'just adopt'...which is a legit option that we have considered. We want to adopt even if we can have biological children, we both would still love to adopt a child or 2.
However, for you non-infertiles. Think about how excited you were when you found out you were pregnant, and when you went to ultrasound appointment. Try to remember the joy you felt when you felt your baby move inside of you for the first time and how completely in awe you were when you baby was born and you got hold him for the first time and see that he had your eye and daddy's nose. I want that, I want that more than I've ever wanted anything in my entire life. I want to be able to bring a life into this world that is half me and half my wonderful, loving husband. So 'just adopting' isn't that simple, aside from the reason I just laid out its also can be a long and expensive process. Also, NEVER under any circumstance, EVER EVER EVER tell someone who is struggling with infertility to "just relax" and it will happen. Especially women with a documented medical reason for their infertility, such as PCOS. Relaxing will not make them magically ovulate!
So, what's the moral of the story kids?
-If you think you might have PCOS or any other lady issues----go see a Dr. SOON, don't ignore your symptoms!
-If you have been diagnosed with PCOS----take care of yourself, don't ignore your health!
-If you know someone who struggles with PCOS or infertility of any sort----Don't ignore or dimiss their feelings and NEVER EVER EVER tell them "just relax"
Monday, April 16, 2012
TTC-cation update.
So I thought I would come update since I haven't really done that in a while, with the exception of my Easter candy rant!
Basically out TTC-cation isn't going as well as I had hoped. I fell off the 'diet and gym wagon' BAD! I'm trying to climb back on but this fat girl just can't seem to catch up! I can't stop think about TTC and its doesn't helped that I'm on CD50-ish... I'm not really sure because I 'paused' my Fertility Friend subscription temporarily so I can't log on to see what CD I'm on. Anyway.. it's longer that i has been in a while/ longer than I should be, so I'm just about ready to scream. And since I'm not temping I don't know when or if I've ovulated, so I don't know when to expect AF!
I'm about to start a new herbal regiment. Not sure what it's going to be yet, i'm going to be talking to my herbalist tomorrow to see what she's going to recommend. She does want me to stop the Vitex tea that I've been drinking due to that if have negative effects on some woman with PCOS.
I'm also currently debating on if I want to start temping again at the start of next cycle, or if I want to wait until I get to my goal weight before hoping back on the TTC wagon. Also, Eric is going for his check up with his oncologist tomorrow (it should be one of his last appt since he's almost 5 years cancer free!!) and we will hopefully be getting a referral for a sperm analysis so the RE in our area will do one (if you aren't a current patient with them they require a referral for a s/a). Honestly, I'm scared shitless at the though of his sperm analysis results coming back bad, though his Dr. assures us that he shouldn't have a problem due to his cancer treatments, I can't help but think the worst. not to mention there are plenty of men that have sperm issues for reasons not related to health issues.. for all we know he could just be shootin' blanks for no reason what so ever. But it's just really scary to think that the results can completely change everything, if it come back saying he is completely sterile then any hope of us ever having a biological child will be gone and will with have to consider if we want to possibly look in to sperm donation or just skip right to adoption. Also, if it comes back saying he has a low count/ bad motility or morphology then we might be skipping right to IVF cause if he has 'slow' sperm I know they will never find my 1 egg that I ovulate once in a blue moon! lol.
So although I'm being a total negative Nancy, I'm really hoping for lots and lots of good strong sperm!! lol. I guess I'm using what I call hurricane logic "prepare for the worst, but expect the best".
Let me just say...THIS SUCKS. All of it, the fact that the one thing that everyone else seems to be able to do so easily .. I can't. It sucks that my hopes of having a baby to celebrate this Christmas with are gone, crushed by PCOS! I need to have a pity party, with lots of booze! lol.
Basically out TTC-cation isn't going as well as I had hoped. I fell off the 'diet and gym wagon' BAD! I'm trying to climb back on but this fat girl just can't seem to catch up! I can't stop think about TTC and its doesn't helped that I'm on CD50-ish... I'm not really sure because I 'paused' my Fertility Friend subscription temporarily so I can't log on to see what CD I'm on. Anyway.. it's longer that i has been in a while/ longer than I should be, so I'm just about ready to scream. And since I'm not temping I don't know when or if I've ovulated, so I don't know when to expect AF!
I'm about to start a new herbal regiment. Not sure what it's going to be yet, i'm going to be talking to my herbalist tomorrow to see what she's going to recommend. She does want me to stop the Vitex tea that I've been drinking due to that if have negative effects on some woman with PCOS.
I'm also currently debating on if I want to start temping again at the start of next cycle, or if I want to wait until I get to my goal weight before hoping back on the TTC wagon. Also, Eric is going for his check up with his oncologist tomorrow (it should be one of his last appt since he's almost 5 years cancer free!!) and we will hopefully be getting a referral for a sperm analysis so the RE in our area will do one (if you aren't a current patient with them they require a referral for a s/a). Honestly, I'm scared shitless at the though of his sperm analysis results coming back bad, though his Dr. assures us that he shouldn't have a problem due to his cancer treatments, I can't help but think the worst. not to mention there are plenty of men that have sperm issues for reasons not related to health issues.. for all we know he could just be shootin' blanks for no reason what so ever. But it's just really scary to think that the results can completely change everything, if it come back saying he is completely sterile then any hope of us ever having a biological child will be gone and will with have to consider if we want to possibly look in to sperm donation or just skip right to adoption. Also, if it comes back saying he has a low count/ bad motility or morphology then we might be skipping right to IVF cause if he has 'slow' sperm I know they will never find my 1 egg that I ovulate once in a blue moon! lol.
So although I'm being a total negative Nancy, I'm really hoping for lots and lots of good strong sperm!! lol. I guess I'm using what I call hurricane logic "prepare for the worst, but expect the best".
Let me just say...THIS SUCKS. All of it, the fact that the one thing that everyone else seems to be able to do so easily .. I can't. It sucks that my hopes of having a baby to celebrate this Christmas with are gone, crushed by PCOS! I need to have a pity party, with lots of booze! lol.
Monday, April 9, 2012
Easter Candy...
is the devil. For real, it has been my weekness these last few weeks! Need. to. be. strong. and diet.!!!
that is all!
that is all!
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Are you there God?
Its nice to have friends that understand what I'm going through. But at the same time it makes my heart hurt that they have to go through the same things. My best friend has been struggling with IF for over 2 years now, i have an online TTC buddy that has been TTC for about 2 years and know several other ladies that have TTTC (trouble TTC). Its not fair, all of these ladies would make great mothers. So the fact that they (and I) can't, when every other 16 year old or cracked out meth head can pop out a baby a year... just baffles me!
And I HATE when people say that it's just part of 'God's plan'..because I'm almost certain it's not in 'God's plan' for some meth-head to get knocked up and have a baby that is going to be abused or neglected!
I need to start going to meditation again, I think God & I have some issues we need to work out.
Ok. vent over, for now!
And I HATE when people say that it's just part of 'God's plan'..because I'm almost certain it's not in 'God's plan' for some meth-head to get knocked up and have a baby that is going to be abused or neglected!
I need to start going to meditation again, I think God & I have some issues we need to work out.
Ok. vent over, for now!
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