Heartbroken.

Last night I wrote a blog. But I don't know if I want to publish it. It makes me cry. I might publish it one day, but for now it will just be a personal entry.

Long story short...
I was pregnant.
I am no longer pregnant.
I got to enjoy being pregnant for about 24 hours.
It was early.
About 4-5 weeks along.
But it was real.
It was wanted.
It was loved.
It is missed.
I am heartbroken.

Though no one will replace the little life that was lost, we will not stop trying. Who knows, maybe the same little soul will find it's way back to us. I'm not sure if we will hop right back on the TTC wagon. Physically we can, mentally is a different story all together.I have a few weeks to decide, so I guess we'll just play it by ear and see how it goes. I'll update as we decide.

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Hello. Goodbye.

[This is an entry I wrote back in September, after our loss. I didn't want to share it then so I just saved it as a draft, but now. I think I'm ready to share it]


Sorry I haven't updated lately, I've been busy and I haven't had much to share on the TTC front. However, that has changed and unfortunately not for the better.
This is a blog post that, to be honest, I don't want to write. But I know it's an important part of our journey,a part that though I wish had gone differently, I don't want to forget.

This cycle has been a little weird, Eric started a new job, and due to him leaving at a different time in the morning, my temping has been thrown off. But even with a lot of missing temps, I know I Oed, I don't know when, my guess is CD20...give or take a few days. I had symptoms that I know i only get after O and my temps where up in my normal O range. However due to a lack of ST, I didn't hold out much hope for this cycle. So I was surprised when I realized it was CD33,and  not only had AF not shown but I was still having some post-O symptoms (which usually stop a few days before my period). Anyway, I decided to test, late Friday night (9-21) I got a +hpt, it was faint, but it was positive. I showed it to Eric, who saw the second line as well, but didn't want to get too excited since I have had a false positive before. Well since that was my last test, I waited until he went to bed and went and bought some more. 4 faint but positive tests later, I woke him up FREAKING out! I knew I shouldn't get so excited that early on, but after nearly 2 years I was starting to think that I would never see two lines on a test.  He was happy but I could tell he was trying not to get too excited yet. But by morning I could see that he was excited, though still nervous. But we spent the day talking about baby stuff, arguing over potential names, and trying to decided when and how to tell our parents. I couldn't have been any happier that we were finally going to be parents, he would finally be a father. I just kept thinking about how I couldn't wait to see him hold our baby. By far the most painful part of this journey is that I can't make Eric a father, the one thing that he wants more than anything and to finally be able to tell him that he was going to be a daddy made me so happy.

That evening I was walking out to shoot a wedding, I kissed him bye and started to walk off, he grabbed me and pulled me back to him and kissed my belly. That moment is a moment I will never forget as long as I live. I was so happy, it felt so right,it's what I've wanted for so long. Unfortunately, good things don't always last. Just a few hours later, not even 24 hours after my first positive test, I started spotting. I tried to tell myself it was OK, that spotting is normal. So I got home and took it easy. But by Sunday afternoon I knew it was over, the bleeding had gotten heavy and I started to pass clots.

I'm heartbroken, I just don't understand why god/ the universe/ karma hates me so bad. What did I do! Why do child abusers and unfit parents get to have lots of babies but I have to try 20 months only to then miscarry only 24 hours after finding out that I'm pregnant. I'm sorry, but I'm not only upset, I'm pissed off! I know, one day, I might understand why this happened but for now it sucks.

I called my doctors and they were horribly unhelpful. Since I was so early in the pregnancy, I was just told to let I run its course and only call back if the bleeding got super heavy. I know there was nothing they could do, but a confirmation of what has going on would have been nice.

I'm trying to take comfort in the fact that I now know that it is possible for me to achieve pregnancy without major medical interventions and in the fact that I was pregnant, I got to see two lines on (several) HPTs, I got to wake my husband up to tell him the good news and even though it was for a very short time I had a little life inside of me. and though some people would say it was to early to count as a life or a baby. It was our first, very loved and very much wanted baby. Some women will never get to experience that, so in a way, I have been blessed with at least a little bit of a wonderful experience.

So to our baby, if you are out there somewhere in the universe... We love you, miss you, and wish you could have stayed with us. Goodbye, for now. Hopefully your beautiful little soul can find it's way back to us one day. Until then just know that mommy and daddy love you.

Let's pick up the pieces

Tonight, I am broken. After getting my hopes up about E's new job having insurance, I was informed that it is too expensive ($800/ month), and basically isn't worth it for us to use (has a $7,500 deductible, YIKES!) So even if we were to pay the monthly premium most of our RE visits would still be OOP, unless we got up to the point of IVF.

I lost my shit tonight. We had a plan. He got this job that had insurance(not the only reason he took the job, but it was a big plus), then insurance was going to take affect around the beginning of the year. I was going to spend the rest of the year focusing on losing more weight so I could be healthy when we went to the RE once the insurance kicked in.

Plan Shman. Life just shit all over that plan.

So we will continue with weight loss, herbs, temp, etc etc fucking etc.

I'm so annoyed, 13 year olds get babies, meth heads get babies, people who don't want babies ...get babies... naturally, easily, with out ever charting a BBT temp, taking an OPK, or trying to carefully time intercourse ...they just fuck their boyfriend/drug dealer/ husband/random one night stand.. and VOILA! there's a baby!!! But when I try to make my wonderful, hardworking husband a father.... nope, sorry, out of order!!

Can you tell I'm a little tiny bit pissed off tonight?

Anyway, I'm going to go to bed, maybe have a few minutes of prayer and meditation to whatever entity or forces control this universe to TRY to understand this, Then I'm going to wake up in the morning... Hope  back on the diet wagon (i've been struggling this week) and suck it up. Sitting here miserable is not going to make me a baby. So tomorrow, I will pick up the pieces , but for tonight I cry, scream, & cuss!!

PCOS Awareness.

September is PCOS awareness month, bet ya didn't know it even existed did you? Neither did I until earlier this year.

Why is PCOS awareness important? PCOS affects 1 in 10 women and adolescent girls, it is the most common endocrine disorder and the leading cause of infertility in women. While not fatal like other issues that get so much awareness, is a dangerous condition. PCOS is a chronic condition that has no cure and leads to many other, potentially fatal diseases.

Left untreated women with PCOS are at a higher risk for diabetes,heart disease, high blood pressure, cholesterol issues, stroke, and endometrial cancers. It can also lead to depression and of course infertility. You would think a condition that causes that many issues would be at the forefront of public attention, but that is sadly not the case.

It is estimated that 7million women and girls worldwide are affected by PCOS, but only 50% are actually diagnosed. This is largely due to the fact that many healthcare professionals aren't fully educated on PCOS, it's affects, and proper treatment! Nothing erks me more that hearing that someone has PCOS is their Dr. just put them on the BCP, BC does not treat PCOS, it only masks the symptoms, but i'll stay off the soap box for now.

PCOS awareness is important because it is important for women and girls to know the signs and symptoms so that they can get diagnosed and start managing their PCOS properly. It is important because doctors need to know that when a teenage girl comes in with irregular cycles, telling the that that's just part of puberty is not always the answer and that if a girl or woman does have PCOS that BCP, is not the best treatment. Women with PCOS need to be made fully aware of the risks that they have for other diseases if they leave their PCOS unmanaged. PCOS awareness is important, because like other conditions that have awareness walks, merchandise, etc. , PCOS can had a devastating effect on those affected, and a cure needs to be found.

To help support PCOS awareness, visit the PCOS Foundation to find an awareness walk, donate, or find out other ways you can help!

I am currently selling these PCOS Awareness bracelets for $5/ bracelet, the money will go to the PCOS Foundation. Email me for more info on how to purchase one, it will also help you spread the word about PCOS.

Also,if you would like to help my PCOS Fun Run/Walk team raise money for the PCOS Foundation, you can donate at the link below.

TEAM PEACE, LOVE, & PCOS!-Donate Here!!