Sorry I haven't updated lately, I've been busy and I haven't had much to share on the TTC front. However, that has changed and unfortunately not for the better.
This is a blog post that, to be honest, I don't want to write. But I know it's an important part of our journey,a part that though I wish had gone differently, I don't want to forget.
This cycle has been a little weird, Eric started a new job, and due to him leaving at a different time in the morning, my temping has been thrown off. But even with a lot of missing temps, I know I Oed, I don't know when, my guess is CD20...give or take a few days. I had symptoms that I know i only get after O and my temps where up in my normal O range. However due to a lack of ST, I didn't hold out much hope for this cycle. So I was surprised when I realized it was CD33,and not only had AF not shown but I was still having some post-O symptoms (which usually stop a few days before my period). Anyway, I decided to test, late Friday night (9-21) I got a +hpt, it was faint, but it was positive. I showed it to Eric, who saw the second line as well, but didn't want to get too excited since I have had a false positive before. Well since that was my last test, I waited until he went to bed and went and bought some more. 4 faint but positive tests later, I woke him up FREAKING out! I knew I shouldn't get so excited that early on, but after nearly 2 years I was starting to think that I would never see two lines on a test. He was happy but I could tell he was trying not to get too excited yet. But by morning I could see that he was excited, though still nervous. But we spent the day talking about baby stuff, arguing over potential names, and trying to decided when and how to tell our parents. I couldn't have been any happier that we were finally going to be parents, he would finally be a father. I just kept thinking about how I couldn't wait to see him hold our baby. By far the most painful part of this journey is that I can't make Eric a father, the one thing that he wants more than anything and to finally be able to tell him that he was going to be a daddy made me so happy.
That evening I was walking out to shoot a wedding, I kissed him bye and started to walk off, he grabbed me and pulled me back to him and kissed my belly. That moment is a moment I will never forget as long as I live. I was so happy, it felt so right,it's what I've wanted for so long. Unfortunately, good things don't always last. Just a few hours later, not even 24 hours after my first positive test, I started spotting. I tried to tell myself it was OK, that spotting is normal. So I got home and took it easy. But by Sunday afternoon I knew it was over, the bleeding had gotten heavy and I started to pass clots.
I'm heartbroken, I just don't understand why god/ the universe/ karma hates me so bad. What did I do! Why do child abusers and unfit parents get to have lots of babies but I have to try 20 months only to then miscarry only 24 hours after finding out that I'm pregnant. I'm sorry, but I'm not only upset, I'm pissed off! I know, one day, I might understand why this happened but for now it sucks.
I called my doctors and they were horribly unhelpful. Since I was so early in the pregnancy, I was just told to let I run its course and only call back if the bleeding got super heavy. I know there was nothing they could do, but a confirmation of what has going on would have been nice.
I'm trying to take comfort in the fact that I now know that it is possible for me to achieve pregnancy without major medical interventions and in the fact that I was pregnant, I got to see two lines on (several) HPTs, I got to wake my husband up to tell him the good news and even though it was for a very short time I had a little life inside of me. and though some people would say it was to early to count as a life or a baby. It was our first, very loved and very much wanted baby. Some women will never get to experience that, so in a way, I have been blessed with at least a little bit of a wonderful experience.
So to our baby, if you are out there somewhere in the universe... We love you, miss you, and wish you could have stayed with us. Goodbye, for now. Hopefully your beautiful little soul can find it's way back to us one day. Until then just know that mommy and daddy love you.
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