I'm out!

Whelp,this cycle is done for, AF showed today! BOO! I was a little upset, since I got my hopes up with that [false] positive. But I'm trying to stay positive. Easier said than done...but I realized that I can either a) be mad/ depressed/ bitter/ pissed off, stay in bed  and do nothing for a week but eat, sleep, & poop. or b) realize that it wasn't meant to be this cycle, move on and choose to be happy and do my best to get my body healthy.

I'm choosing 'b'....that doesn't mean I'm not going to wake up tomorrow and be pissed off and want to switch to option  'a'. But, I can't... It's not productive and/or healthy

So here is the plan of attack...
1. Choose every day to be happy regardless of how my ovaries are acting.
2. Get back on my diet come hell or high water
3. Get my fat ass back to the gym, again..come hell  or high water
4. Start temping again this cycle, just to know what's going on and if i'm actually Oing

I've decided to start school in September to get my massage therapy licence. That will take until the end of March. So my plan is to stay on the plan we are on until then, after I finish school if there is not a baby Vidrine on the way...then we will start infertility treatment.

So that's it..for now. I don't want to write too much since I'm tired and will prob start rambling.. so good night!

Peace & Love Y'all-
Kayla!

Any signs of life?

The last 2 weeks has been, hard. Every cramp, twitch, sniffle, etc. has "surely been a sign I'm pregnant". I made the mistake of starting to test early (around 10dpo), but since I didn't temp this cycle I could have been less. Anywho, after several BFFN a few days in a row I became pretty discouraged.Then when I woke up today [I won't say this morning since it was about 1pm :D ], I decided to take another test, to my disbelief, I saw a second line, faint..but defiantly there [don't get too excited yet, the story isn't over]. So in shock I dip another one of my IC [internet cheapies, cheap tests you order online] wait a few mins... NEGATIVE! Knowing these ICs can vary somewhat in their sensitivity, I decided to run to Walgreen's to buy a First Response test, hoping that I would get a clear-er answer. Well as I was getting dressing Eric called to say we was on his was home, since he got rained out of work. So I got him to stop and pick up a test.He came home, super excited...only to be let down. FR test was also negative. :'(

I know it's not over yet. There is a possibility that the first test that I took was extra sensitive and the other tests aren't picking it up because I'm not as many DPO as I think. But only time will tell, I'm trying to no stress and just give it up to the universe, but considering I have heartburn, cramps, a stabby boob pains...it's hard to get my mind off of it. I can't help but think, is this our first sign of life?

So for now I continue to wait, impatiently, praying to God..begging, pleading, bargaining for a child to love.

2 week waiting.

For those of you who don't understand TTC language the 2 week wait (or 2ww) is the 2 weeks between ovulation and your expected period or when you will get a positive pregnancy test.

These two weeks will make you crazy. Every twitch, cramp, headache, etc is a 'sign of pregnancy'. Babies and being pregnant pretty much consume your every thought! I am currently in the 2ww. I think.

So last cycle was 'normal', like text book normal. Aunt Flo was here cycle day 1-4, then I started having light cramping on CD9 or 10 and then CD14-16 i had EWCM (fertile cervical mucus). Since I was not temping or using OPKs this cycle I have no way to confirm ovulation. But in the wee morning hours of CD28, I went to the bathroom and discovered AF was back in town! WTF, she's usually never on time! So based on my normal 15 day luteal phase, I think I Oed CD14! Again, i have no way to confirm this, but with it being so short and perfect with the timing of the EWCM, I'm almost certain I Oed! I was hoping that it would be our BFP cycle, but no such luck, I was still very excited that I had normal cycle.

So far this cycle seems to be going well too! I noticed some minor cramping around CD10 and decided to take some ovulation tests for the next few days. My best guess according to my CM and OPKs would put my O at CD13/14. So being 8-9dpo I've already lost my mind..it has been the longest 8 days! I just want to test! NOW! Especially since I'm having crampyness in the left side of my ute, which could be a sign of implantation (see there is the crazyness I was talking about) But it's too early to test. I will start testing on Saturday! Fingers crossed for a BFFP!

12 ways to 'GO GREEN' in 2012.[half way there]

 So up until thins point this blog has only covered our TTC journey, but I think I'm also going to expand it to cover other things about me.My photography, my hippie-ness, whatever I feel like really. It will mainly stay a TTC/IF/PCOS blog but a little variety won't hurt, it's the spice of life, right!?

Ok, so with the year half over I though I would stop and examine how I'm doing on my New Year's Resolutions.  I had several this year, one of which was to be more eco-friendly. Call me a dirty liberal hippie...whatever, there is nothing wrong with 'going green' and helping to save our earth.We only have one, you know!? So I decided to change one product or habit a month to a 'greener option'

So far, I've been doing really good. He's how the Vidrine house has 'gone green' so far in 2012...

1. Recycle!- our town now offers a recycling drop-off center for plastic, cans, & paper. So at the beginning of the year, we started recycling. For all you seTX locals:  Here is info about local drop off sites!

2. DIY Laundry- I started making DIY laundry powder. Not only is this more eco-friendly because its all natural, it's also much cheaper than buying expensive laundry detergent and your not using lots of nasty chemicals that can irritate your skin! The powder alone works wonders on stink towels and Eric's rancid work clothes, I've never used a detergent that could get the smell of "refinery" out of clothes, but this does the job! However if i have a load that I think is extra stinky I'll toss 1/2-1 cup of vinegar into the rinse cycle. Vinegar helps deodorize, sanitize, and soften!
'Recipe' is as follows:
1 cup WASHING soda
1/2 cup BAKING soda
1 bar Castile soap (I use Kirk's Pure Castile)


Use either a cheese grater or a blender to grate the soap (blender is MUCH quicker) 
Mix soap together with the washing and baking soda! Use 1tbsp per load.

That's it! I usually triple the recipe and the powder lasts for months!


3.DIVA CUP- I LOVE MY DIVA CUP! It is the best $20 I've ever spent! No more pads or tampons, no cardboard or plastic waste from tampons. AND no more harsh chemicals or bleached fibers for my hooha! Tampons do have nasty things in them, including BPAs, that can throw off vaginal pH. Also for PCOSers BPAs can have effects on hormone levels. Also, for all you 'pads only' ladies, look into "Mama cloth" which is cloth pads, pads contain nasty chemicals to, and just because they don't go inside of you, doesn't mean they don't put chemicals into your body, and they still fill up landfills! Check out the Diva Cup site for more info. Also I recommend ordering them off Amazon, they're much cheaper!

4. Reusable shopping bags-I have been using reusable shopping bags on and off for awhile,but this year I have started using them religiously.

5.Said NO to bottles- when I stopped allowing cokes in the house we were buying A LOT of bottled water! Which was creating A LOT of plastic waste, and even though we started recycling them, I though that we should just try to eliminate that waste all together. So we got a water filter and some reusable water bottles...easy, peasy... problem solved! Plus it's A LOT cheaper!

That is what has been implemented so far...but I have a few things in the works.
COMING SOON-
'Unpaper' Towels- basically just cute homemade rags that snap together like a paper towel roll. I have the material to make them. I just need a sewing machine and sewing skills! I'll post a picture when I make them!
Composting-To help eliminate more waste, I'm starting to compost. Again, I have all the materials for this..I just need to do it. I'll update on this when it's through.

So that will make 7. If I 'go green' 5 more ways, I will have actually completed a new year's resolution!
I encourage all of you to take steps to make your own house 'greener' no only for the earth (which is important) but also eliminating unnecessary chemicals from your life is better for YOU!

Weigh-In 6/3 [day late, oops]

I forgot about the weekly weigh-in, sorry. So I am posting a day late, even though I really don't want to post at all.


Starting Weight/current weight/goal weight?
261(heaviest recorded)/242/175

67lbs to go!

2. How much weight have I lost this week?
1 lb.

3. What eating plan are you following?
I'm suppose to be doing Paleo, but i've had a rough couple of weeks, diet wise.

4. What kind of exercise have I engaged in over this past week? How many hours?
no gym time this week. Just house work really and getting out chocolate lab out from underneath the house, which was a work out, trust me!

5. How was I successful this week ?
Well, you see...what had happened was....

6. Any slips or set backs this week?
I plea the 5th!

7. My motivation for losing weight this week?
I think I Oed again this cycle, per some EWCM and +[looking] OPKs, but im only on CD17 so we will see in 10 days or so!

8. Wild Card!!!
MUST. GET. BACK.ON.DIET!

Weigh-In 5/25/12

Ok so my TTC buddy, V, suggested we start posting weekly weigh-ins on our blogs, as a wak to stay accountable.. so im going to give it a shot.

Starting Weight/current weight/goal weight?
261(heaviest recorded)/243/175

68lbs to go!

2. How much weight have I lost this week?
up 2 actully. :-/

3. What eating plan are you following?
Paleo Diet

4. What kind of exercise have I engaged in over this past week? How many hours?
gym today for about an hour. and helping a friend move(that should cound for something)

5. How was I successful this week ?
I made it to the gym once...thats about it!

6. Any slips or set backs this week?
ALL WEEK LONG! It's been a bad week for my diet! Getting back on the wagon tomorrow.

7. My motivation for losing weight this week?
I had a 'normal' cycle last cycle! a textbook perferct 28 days. so im hoping to stay healthy and repeat that again!
8. Wild Card!!!
I feel horrible about cheating all week long! ANYTIME  I cheat, I feel guilty that I'm not doing what I need too for my family, like I'm being a bad mother already.

Happy Reminder You're Not a Mother Day.

So I know I haven't updated in awhile, since Eric's exciting sperm news. But with with it being  Mother's Day ...I felt like some therapeutic blogging was in order. Mother's Day is hard for a many people... mothers who have lost children, children who have no mother in their lives or anyone who has lost their mother. And people easily understand why this day is hard on them. But there is another group who also dread Mother's Day, and people don't seem to think about them or understand why this day upsets them. Yes people, I'm talking about those of us who are childless, and not by choice. It's cool, I didn't truely understand until this year...

Last year a close friend of my who was about a 1 1/2 years TTC at the time had a mini-break down. I tried my best to comfort her, but I was only a few months into TTC at the time, so I'm sure I wasn't much help. I remember thinking, and probably saying something to the effect of "well it will be better next year, we'll both have babies or at least be pregnant by next mother's day" OH TO BE NAIVE!
Unfortunately, another Mother's Day is here and the both of us, along with many other lovely ladies that wish night & day for a baby are still, babyless.

This year I understand my friend's break down. Being at about a year and a half now, the thought of a childless Mother's Day really stings. Knowing I will not hear "Happy Mother's Day", get flowers from my DH, or little hand print pictures from kidlets, Hearing everyone wishing each other 'Happy Mother's Day' in Sunday School in the morning will be a reminder that we are the only childless couple in the class. During the service all the mother's will receive roses and the sermen will surely be about something pertaining to Mother's Day. I'm sure there will be some sort of statement made to the effect of what a "blessing children and motherhood" is which will undoubtedly make me want to go to the bathroom and ugly cry, and then there is also the heightened threat of someone asking when we are going to have kids. Can you tell I'm already a little on edge!?

The main reason, to be, that this is going to be a hard day is that in some ways I feel like a mother already. I know this sounds crazy, but I plan for, sacrifice for, and love my children, even though they are not conceived yet. I spend my time researching ways to conceive these babies, I take nasty vitamins and herbs. I have pretty much cut out sugar, carbs, caffeine, and alcohol to better control my PCOS so I can get knocked up. I take metformin, which makes me violently sick. I wake up at 5am every morning to take my temp and pee on OPKs daily to try to track my ovulation (except for right now since we are still on a 'break'). All of this just for a chance to the called 'Momee'. I've planned so much already from a birth plan, to the type of cloth diapers i want to use, even the the names for 3 girls and 2 boys. Now all i need is the babies for all these plans.

my friend sent me this poem awhile back that I thought i would share with everyone for Mother's Day. It really is the perfect explanation of how I, and most infertiles feel on mother's day.

Happy Mother's Day”
it comes around every year;
but when you have empty arms,
it's very hard to hear.

It's a day to celebrate a mother,
for all the trials she overcame;
and a reminder to an infertile
of her loneliness and shame.

But what really makes a mother,
Is it just conception and birth?
Or is there something more,
that shows a mother's worth?

It's putting your child first,
in everything you do;
it's sacrifice and determination,
and love and patience too.

An infertile woman makes all her plans,
around a child not yet conceived;
she loves them even though they aren't here,
more than she ever could have believed.

She appreciates and understands,
what a blessing that children are;
she works hard for just a chance,
that motherhood is not that far.

All odds are stacked against her,
and yet she still has hope;
everyday is another struggle,
finding ways to help her cope.

So even though her arms are empty,
she can still be a mother too;
So say a special “Happy Mother's Day”
for those waiting for their dreams to come true!
So Happy Mother's Day to every woman. Whether you have kids or are still on your journey toward motherhood. Empty arms are hard, especially on this day, so if you know a woman struggling with infertility, make her arms not empty for a second by giving her a hug!

Here's to hoping things will be different next year.

ALSO... HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY MOMEE, I LOVE YOU, you're the best!