The Wild World of TTC & our current plan of action.

Trying to conceive is hard. It's not lots and lots of fun sex, pretty BBT charts,positive OPKs(ovulation tests) and BFPs. Anyone who will tell you other wise is either A) a dirty filthy liar or B) only tried for a few cycles before getting their BFP [bitches!]

There is an ugly side to TTC, a dark seedy underbelly. It's full of boring timed intercourse even though you don't want your husband's penis near you but you dare not skip having intercourse because you MIGHT be ovulating and you will kick yourself if you miss an opportunity, negative OPKs, or worse ... false positive OPKs due to your PCOS, erratic BBT charts, or BBT charts that give you false hope then rip it away a few days later, and of course the infamous B.F.F.N (big fat f'n negative) pregnancy test.

These things aren't so bad at first. Of course the first 3ish months of TTC, you're pretty hopeful and these things probably don't both you very much, if at all. Then about month 4 or 5 months into it you start getting frustrated, you think "why is this not working" ,or "what are we doing wrong" and you add a new herb, vitamin, or supplement to your routine and and go back to being hopeful because you know for sure this vitamin/tea/POM regime will work and you'll see that BFP soon. Well month 7 and 8 roll by..still no BFP and as you close in on the 9 month mark you start to LOSE.YOUR.SHIT. You realize that you are quickly approaching the dreaded 1 year mark that will leave you with  the "trouble trying to conceive" and "infertile" labels and that if you don't make a baby soon there are going to be lots of RE appts. in your near future. So you start doing everything you can think of: drinking green tea to help with cervical mucus production, using a sperm friendly lube, elevating your hips for 30 mins after sex because despite the research that it doesn't really help...'it can't hurt right'. you also have every vitamin and supplement that 'Dr Google' said might help.

Then it happens.. your temps look hopeful your OPKs looked positive to you and your online TTC buddies,not to mention you are have PG symptoms from hell through out your entire 2ww (two week wait, the two weeks between ovulation and your expected period/ positive pregnancy test). Finally you make it to the day of testing, you speed walk to the bathroom in the morning, pull out your pee cup (cause every TTCer has a certain cup), pee in the cup and on your hand cause lets face it ...we ladies can't aim. Then you excitedly dip the test into the cup, and watch as the peed goes across the test, the entire time thinking "omg that's a line, wait no, yea thats totally a line" then you blink and by the time your eyes refocus the 'line' in no longer visible..you wait the 3 mins, then pick up the test and look at it from every angle possible and in every lighting condition that is available to you at the moment. But no matter how much you squint or in what direction you tilt the test...there is no 2nd line...its a BFN. You try to tell your self that it could be wrong, or that you started testing a little too early,and that you will test again in a few days if AF doesn't show (but let's face it you're going to test again tomorrow). However when you enter your temps into your chart the next morning...you notice the temp drop and you know..you're out, this cycle is done for. So not wanting to see or speak to anyone that day you call in sick to work and spend the entire day in bed watching all the Harry Potter DVDs you got for xmas [ok so maybe that's just me].

Then, before you know it. It's month 12. You have officially passed the 'normal' length of time it takes the average couple to conceive.Needless to say, this is a hard place to be ... it's sad and lonely.


This is the place we have been in for many months now, I think we got there a few months early. And after getting the news that our insurance was not going to cover and testing or treatments we found ourselves at a cross road. Do we pursue testing and treatments and pay OOP, or  do we continue the trying as we have been with OPKs , BBT charts and trying our best to pin point my very erratic ovulation so we can have timed intercourse. Well at first the 2nd option sounded better, Eric and I both agreed that dumping money into treatments that may not work is not our best option right now, in the future for sure, but now now. But then I realized there was an option that I wasn't considering. Stop trying.

Thanks right folks, you heard me. We have stopped trying, for now. This is in no way a permanent thing. We are just on a TTC-cation, so to speak. no OPKs, to BBT charting, no checking cervical mucus. To hell with it all [for now]. This was a very hard decision, I was desperate to have a baby my the end of the year/ early 2013. But after nearly 14 months of fighting, I need a break. There are days that it's all I can think about , days that I can't breathe when I think about it and some days those two things overlap and it makes the day very very hard, to say the least. So for my own sanity, I'm done, for awhile.

The next few months im going to put all the energy that i've been putting into TTC in to my health and well-being and into my much neglected photography business. Last week I started the 'low amylose diet' that is suppose to work wonders for woman with PCOS, especially when you are also taking  MF. And I joined the gym at the end of Jan, and though i must admit I have fallen off the wagon the last 2 weeks,im ready to get back to it.

So, I am still going to be working toward improving my fertility with weight loss, diet and metformin but I dont want to see my BBT thermometer or an OPK for atleast 2 months, maybe longer. We'll just have to see how it goes. So its back to the slightly more peaceful world of 'not trying, not preventing' for awhile, I like it here..its much easier to breathe.

Confessions

Ok so I know I already gave you the the not so abridged history of Eric & I and our TTC issues ..but I think there are some things you should know about us..well mainly me. So you know what you are getting your self into if you follow this blog and just in case you want to know us better!

For starters this is us...it's one of my favorite pics. It was taken on our honeymoon.So we are both a little fatter now! LOL (well me more than Eric since this is right about the time my PCOS was starting to kick in) Anyway,this is me and my love, aren't we cute!

We can be sickeningly sweet and loving sometimes and sometimes we want to kill each other. but regardless we really do love each other. We are just very different, which is mostly a good thing ...but sometimes it causes clashes!

I can't spell very well, luckily this has spell check..so that shouldn't be that much of an issue here. But also, grammar in general is not one of my strengths.. i don't know how to use a comma correctly, so I just throw them in where I see fit and I often type in run-on sentences and use a lot of "...s". So if you are a grammar Nazi and these things are going to drive you to the point of madness, this blog may not be a good one to follow.

Also, my brain moves faster than my fingers, therefore typos are inevitable...hopefully spell check will take care of most of them.

I swear, semi-frequently to pretty often...it is what it is, it's not going to change and time soon.

I say sometimes say inappropriate and slightly offensive things.. sorry in advance, I guess.

I am 'TTC bipolar' so plans and emotions can change the blink of an eye, good luck keeping up.

I ramble and sometimes it makes no sense, this is only made worse by the insomnia that I often have...I'll try not to 'sleepy post' too much.

I'm pretty sure I'm an animal hoarder in training. We have 4 furbabies and we would probably have more if Eric would let me.

I'm pretty opinionated and usually stand my ground on my beliefs. Though I try my best to be respectful and open minded to other beliefs.

I like wine & margaritas. A lot.

I hate exercise and dieting. But if it will result in a baby, then I'm in. Hell, if drinking a gallon of chicken blood a day would get me pregnant...sign me up!

OK that's all my confessions for now...if i think of more i will post. But I should get on to posting PCOS/ IF type stuff...since that's kind of the  main point of this blog.

Positive Peggy!

Ok. I might be in an abnormally good mood today. I woke up at 8am to bring Siddalee to the vet, then went and got blood taken for my endo apt on Monday, and then went to my mom's house to bring her new puppy Toby out. And SOMEHOW got talked into cleaning her kitchen for her (if you knew my mother, you would know that telling her 'no' is not a good idea). Anyway, I may have gone a little OCD and re-organized her kitchen! Any who, point of story..I'm being oddly productive today.

Also, I'm feeling REALLY god about this cycle. It's very likely that I'm setting myself up for disappointment, but this cycle has been nearly perfect. I had mild cramping and O (ovulation) pains a few days prior to the day FF (Fertility Friend) tells me I Oed and I had EWCM on the day of O!!! Holy Hell, it's like the fertility gods were aligning the plants just for me! :-D Anyway, I'm 8dpo today, which means I can start the testing on Sunday! I might wait a few extra days just so I don't have to see a BFN from testing too early. Although I must say, as much as I want a BFP (big fat positive), I think I'll be OK if its a BFN cycle. Mainly because I feel like we are on the right track I've detected O the last 2-3 cycles (2 for sure, Jan is a maybe) and the diet I'm on (which I'll post about later) seems to really be working for me! I've lost 4lbs since I started the diet on Monday! Which puts me at 9lbs since the end of Jan. YAY ME!

Now more than ever (and it could completely be my altered state of mind from lack of carbs) I can say I honestly feel like we will be parents, which is a huge change from just a few months ago. Now there are still several unknown factors, since we are still waiting on a referral from Eric's oncologist so he can get a sperm analysis. But I feel confident that that will turn out OK. If not, we will still be parents somehow. The longer this process takes the more I know that I really want to adopt, even if we have biological child[ren].

YAY FOR  A HAPPY POST!  SUNSHINE,KITTENS, AND RAINBOWS FOR EVERYONE!!

PCO...what?

Ok,  I was going to post this tomorrow or in a few days, but since I can't seem to sleep now, WHY NOT?! This is my "What is PCOS" post or the question I often get "PCO...what?"

For you ladies in the TTC world, y'all are probably pretty familiar with PCOS, so this post is mainly for friends and family who are interested& I haven't already explained it to.

Long story short: Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS) is a condition in which there is an imbalance of a woman's female sex hormones. This hormone imbalance may cause changes in the menstrual cycle, skin changes, small cysts in the ovaries, trouble getting pregnant, and other problems such as depression, hair loss (male pattern baldness),excess growth of body hair and facial hair, acne, weight gain, & trouble losing weight. Also when left untreated can lead to diabetes and heart disease.

The exact cause of PCOS is unknown, many doctors link it to some degree of insulin resistance which causes the hormones to be imbalanced, thus causing the PCOS. PCOS does seem to have a genetic link. There is currently no cure for PCOS, but symptoms can be treated with birth control or often are treated with common diabetes medicines such as Metformin. Diet and exercise are also important in the treatment of PCOS, and some woman can even naturally "cure" their symptoms proper diet, exercise, and weight loss.

Ok that will it for now, cause I'm starting to feel sleepy. But I will probably expand on this later.If you have any questions,feel free to ask.

Why oh Why?

I briefly [as brief as I can be] want to explain why I am starting this blog, and choosing to share it with family, friends, and even strangers, when infertility has been, for so long and silent and personal struggle.

First and for most, this blog is for me,Eric, and our future baby[ies]. A family record, or diary, of our struggles and of our ups and downs. To look back on to remember how fortunate and blessed we are when we do finally meet our baby. And for our baby to read,someday, to know how much he or she was loved and wanted before they were ever conceived.

For any family and friends that care to keep up with the happenings of my ovaries, they are interesting..you should want to know whats going on with them.. Seriously though, I'm a pretty open person, so to be secretive about my PCOS/TTC/ Infertility journey, when it is the most important thing im my life currently, seems silly to me. So for those who care to know, it's an open book. [also, when i do get knocked up,im sure it will be full of baby updates!]

and for all my PCOS "cysters" and women out there struggling with the same issues I am. Infertility should not be a 'hush-hush' sort of topic, especially PCOS, which despite being the leading cause of infertility in woman, most people outside of the TTC community doesn't even know what it is. Infertility hurts, but I have discovered in the past 13 months of my journey that it hurts less when you can connect with someone who understands you.

I think that about covers it...Oh! except for: My name is Kayla, and after 13 months TTC with no luck, I have lots of things to say/ opinions/things to vent about. So i don't really care it no one else reads this... at least I can get some of  these things out of my head in an attempt to keep my sanity intact.

A History.

So I'm really not sure what to say, I guess I should introduce myself.

[quick warning for non-TTCers, we infertiles have a language of our own, I will do my best to explain these terms & abbreviations as I go]
My name is Kayla, I'm 23 years old, and I have an amazing husband Eric, who is 24. We have been together just about 4 years now and have been married about 1 1/2 years. We are, for lack of a better term, complete opposites. I'm pretty liberal, and he is.. well southern Baptist.. lol. But seriously, although we are quite different, we make it work, I say its cause we balance each other well [you know that whole yin yang theory].

Anyway, we were married October 30,2010 and started NTNP (not trying, not preventing) in  December of that year. The original plan was to NTNP for a year before actively TTC(trying to conceive), to give us some "couple time" that everyone suggests to newly married couples.I honestly thought that I would get pregnant in that time [oh to be young and dumb] However that plan changed in Jan 2011, AF (Aunt Flo) was late, and I was very excited at the possibility of being pregnant already...so I took a test BFN (big fat negative), took one a few days later...another BFN. Then a few days later AF finally reared her ugly red head... and stayed for 19 days. After about 14 days, I made a Drs appt and they got me in a week later, did some blood work, and the verdict was...elevated testosterone, aka, a tell tale sign of PCOS. It was no shock, I had had irregular and often absent cycles for years before going on the BCP(Birth Control Pill) when I met Eric.

I was referred to and Endocrinologist (not an RE(reproductive endocrinologist)) who put me on MF(Metformin), knowing that I was married and ready to start having kids,with the instructions to stop taking the MF if i find myself pregnant. Eric and I at this time decided to start the TTC process since it looked like it might be a long road(this is in Feb 2011) In May when I return for a check up and mention that Eric and I started TTC and the Dr. takes me off the MF because they want me to "try naturally for 6 months". Seemed like a waste of time to me, but the write they RXs, so its hard to argue...also I think I was still pretty naive and hopeful at the time.

So August rolled around still no baby, and it was time for another check-up. During the check-up the nurse practitioner asked me if my cycles and gotten any longer and I told her yes, since my most recent cycle had been 88 days long.At that point she decided to put me back on MF to treat the long cycles (since its not an RE office, they technically cant help with the TTC part of the equation) and tells me to give it 3-6 months to really take effect, and if its not helping after 6 months then they can refer me to a RE (6 months from then is also when we would hit our 1year TTC mark).

So that's pretty much where we are now, i've been on MF for 7 months, still no baby. We made an appt with an RE but after discovering that our [shitty] insurance wasn't going to cover anything, we had to cancel, paying for treatments completely OOP (out of pocket)will add up too fast. So for now we are continuing to try with just MF(and a long list of vitamins and herbs) until we either A) have better insurance or B) have enough money saved up for treatments(after buying a home..so that will be years down the road). Luckily, the MF seems like it might be helping my last 2 cycles have all been 46 days and 34 days.. (much better than 88 and 114) , one of those cycles I even ovulated (confirmed though BBT(basal body temperature) and I am currently on CD29 (cycle day 29) and 7dpo(7 days past ovulation) this cycle. We are hoping this will be it and it will finally be our turn. After a year battling PCOS, I sure hope so.

Sorry if  this was too long, I figured I'd get out TTC history out of the way in the first post. I don't know what else to say so I'll post again when I figure it out.