Just rambling really.

Sorry I've been MIA lately. I've had other things on my mind. We found a house, to be specific, we found 'our' house. As soon as I saw it online, I knew it was ours. We drove by to look at it and I fell in love. We met with the realtor, had an actual viewing of it and I fell madly in love.
We got approved for the loan, had it inspected, made an offer, the seller's made a counter offer, and we accepted the counter offer. Now we wait for the lender to put the final 300 stamps of approval on it before we can close.

I must say although this process is long, drawn out, and mildly stressful, I am not nearly as stressed out as I thought I would be through this. It's actually a nice break from TTC, it has given me something else to focus on for awhile. Something that I am working toward that I can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I THINK that I Oed again this month!! I've been a horrible temp-er so FF hasn't confirmed it yet but I had a pretty big temp jump on CD24, and the few temps i've done since have all been up in O range. We are still (kind of) trying to avoid (TTA). Basically, we are TTA but if it happens we will still be over the moon with excitement. I think we did good this cycle, we didn't have ST during the "fertile window", well actually we had ST on O-5 (5 days before O), which very rarely results in pregnancy, but I can...and it did when I got the +hpt last month when we were still TTC.
I will say knowing that I O, and that we "wasted an opportunity" is a little strange after nearly 2 years of trying to have perfect timing.

I'm still working on weight loss, and that as been a bust so far. I have not been able to find the energy, or motivation to diet or exercise. But I'm pretty on it today. I went to the store and bought lost of grass-fed beef(that was actually on MAJOR sale) some all natural chicken, bacon, and breakfast sausage. So hopefully I can actually get my shit together and actually start eating right again!

I'm on some new herbs and I will be starting some more soon. I will do a separate post on all that once I get them all in.

So for now I just need to stop being a fatty and eat right. CARBS BAD, SUGAR BAD,PROTEIN GOOD!!
and queue new manta..........

I might print thing out and tape it too the pantry, fridge, and keep it in my car! I wonder if I can talk the area Jack-in-the-Boxes and see if they can tape it too their menu boards, JITB tacos are my  biggest weakness currently.

Where do we go from here?

After about a week of moping around feeling angry, upset, and just plain pissed the fuck off....I realized, I need to snap out of it. Pouting, sitting on my ass, and eating cheesecake was not going to make me pregnant again. So I've put on my "big girl panties" and I'm dealing with it. Not that I won't always miss what we have lost, there will always be a little piece missing, but there is nothing I can do to change that.

I realized soon after the loss that we would have a decision to make, Option A- to jump right back into TTC, dive head first and hope we don't drown again or Option B- Take a break, spend some time out of the 'water' lounging in the sun to give our minds and my body time to find peace & recuperate. I talked to Eric some to try to get his opinion, he said he would like to start trying again right away, but that he will understand and respect any decision I make. So there it was, the decision was, for the most part, entirely mine to make.

 I've gone back and forth on my decision in the past week. On one hand, I don't want to miss any opportunities to get KTFU, since they don't come around regularly. Also, I'm ready to have our take-home baby, I'm ready to give birth and be a mom. On the other, I am a little terrified of actually being pregnant, too many complications come along with being overweight with PCOS and pregnancy. Miscarriage being one of them,but also high blood pressure, diabetes, etc. Originally I thought about just taking off a cycle, just for a little break. But the more I got to thinking about I the more I realized what is that I really want to do.

I honestly feel like we have spent the last 20 months trying to force something to happen, that just isn't meant to happen yet. God/ the universe/ nature was trying to tell us something, that my body is not healthy enough yet to  safely give life to another being. I want to have a healthy, safe, and natural pregnancy, birth, & baby. But how can I achieve that when I am not healthy? I cannot, there is no way that I can expect to go into a pregnancy unhealthy and somehow, magically, become healthy.So after much consideration we (well I) decided to TTA (try to avoid) for awhile. I'm not going on any birth control or anything, instead we are going to practice NFP (Natural Family Planning), for those of you who don't know what that is, basically after charting my BBT for so long TTC and these last few months actually being able to see the changes my temps and body goes though around the time of O... I know when I ovulate. So pretty much we will just avoid sex during that time. Now NFP is about as effective as hormonal birth control when practiced correctly, with normal cycles, which I do not have. So, it might not work, I might get pregnant anyway. Which of course would be perfectly fine and we would be more than happy, and I would just have to try my best to be as healthy as possible throughout the pregnancy. But knowing the increased risks of PCOS & Obesity , I just don't feel like those are risks that I am willing to take right now.

So when will be start trying again? Well really, even though we will be TTA for awhile, in my book we are still trying.I will still be talking steps to increase my fertility to make conception possible and pregnancy healthier, I will be trying to lose weight and trying to get health for myself and our future children. However,we will stop TTA when I reach my mini- weight loss goal of 210. Then hopefully in the in the time that it will take us to conceive again (which hopefully won't be too long) I can get that number under 200. So my goal is to get to 210 by the end of this year so we can start 2013 off on a good foot and hopefully 2013 will be our year! It's not going to be easy, that's 27lbs in 3 months but it's doable by losing just 2-3lbs a week.

So there is it. Our (well really My) plan of action. This blog has gotten long and rambley, so that's enough for now, I'll say more later.

Heartbroken.

Last night I wrote a blog. But I don't know if I want to publish it. It makes me cry. I might publish it one day, but for now it will just be a personal entry.

Long story short...
I was pregnant.
I am no longer pregnant.
I got to enjoy being pregnant for about 24 hours.
It was early.
About 4-5 weeks along.
But it was real.
It was wanted.
It was loved.
It is missed.
I am heartbroken.

Though no one will replace the little life that was lost, we will not stop trying. Who knows, maybe the same little soul will find it's way back to us. I'm not sure if we will hop right back on the TTC wagon. Physically we can, mentally is a different story all together.I have a few weeks to decide, so I guess we'll just play it by ear and see how it goes. I'll update as we decide.

Add caption

Hello. Goodbye.

[This is an entry I wrote back in September, after our loss. I didn't want to share it then so I just saved it as a draft, but now. I think I'm ready to share it]


Sorry I haven't updated lately, I've been busy and I haven't had much to share on the TTC front. However, that has changed and unfortunately not for the better.
This is a blog post that, to be honest, I don't want to write. But I know it's an important part of our journey,a part that though I wish had gone differently, I don't want to forget.

This cycle has been a little weird, Eric started a new job, and due to him leaving at a different time in the morning, my temping has been thrown off. But even with a lot of missing temps, I know I Oed, I don't know when, my guess is CD20...give or take a few days. I had symptoms that I know i only get after O and my temps where up in my normal O range. However due to a lack of ST, I didn't hold out much hope for this cycle. So I was surprised when I realized it was CD33,and  not only had AF not shown but I was still having some post-O symptoms (which usually stop a few days before my period). Anyway, I decided to test, late Friday night (9-21) I got a +hpt, it was faint, but it was positive. I showed it to Eric, who saw the second line as well, but didn't want to get too excited since I have had a false positive before. Well since that was my last test, I waited until he went to bed and went and bought some more. 4 faint but positive tests later, I woke him up FREAKING out! I knew I shouldn't get so excited that early on, but after nearly 2 years I was starting to think that I would never see two lines on a test.  He was happy but I could tell he was trying not to get too excited yet. But by morning I could see that he was excited, though still nervous. But we spent the day talking about baby stuff, arguing over potential names, and trying to decided when and how to tell our parents. I couldn't have been any happier that we were finally going to be parents, he would finally be a father. I just kept thinking about how I couldn't wait to see him hold our baby. By far the most painful part of this journey is that I can't make Eric a father, the one thing that he wants more than anything and to finally be able to tell him that he was going to be a daddy made me so happy.

That evening I was walking out to shoot a wedding, I kissed him bye and started to walk off, he grabbed me and pulled me back to him and kissed my belly. That moment is a moment I will never forget as long as I live. I was so happy, it felt so right,it's what I've wanted for so long. Unfortunately, good things don't always last. Just a few hours later, not even 24 hours after my first positive test, I started spotting. I tried to tell myself it was OK, that spotting is normal. So I got home and took it easy. But by Sunday afternoon I knew it was over, the bleeding had gotten heavy and I started to pass clots.

I'm heartbroken, I just don't understand why god/ the universe/ karma hates me so bad. What did I do! Why do child abusers and unfit parents get to have lots of babies but I have to try 20 months only to then miscarry only 24 hours after finding out that I'm pregnant. I'm sorry, but I'm not only upset, I'm pissed off! I know, one day, I might understand why this happened but for now it sucks.

I called my doctors and they were horribly unhelpful. Since I was so early in the pregnancy, I was just told to let I run its course and only call back if the bleeding got super heavy. I know there was nothing they could do, but a confirmation of what has going on would have been nice.

I'm trying to take comfort in the fact that I now know that it is possible for me to achieve pregnancy without major medical interventions and in the fact that I was pregnant, I got to see two lines on (several) HPTs, I got to wake my husband up to tell him the good news and even though it was for a very short time I had a little life inside of me. and though some people would say it was to early to count as a life or a baby. It was our first, very loved and very much wanted baby. Some women will never get to experience that, so in a way, I have been blessed with at least a little bit of a wonderful experience.

So to our baby, if you are out there somewhere in the universe... We love you, miss you, and wish you could have stayed with us. Goodbye, for now. Hopefully your beautiful little soul can find it's way back to us one day. Until then just know that mommy and daddy love you.

Let's pick up the pieces

Tonight, I am broken. After getting my hopes up about E's new job having insurance, I was informed that it is too expensive ($800/ month), and basically isn't worth it for us to use (has a $7,500 deductible, YIKES!) So even if we were to pay the monthly premium most of our RE visits would still be OOP, unless we got up to the point of IVF.

I lost my shit tonight. We had a plan. He got this job that had insurance(not the only reason he took the job, but it was a big plus), then insurance was going to take affect around the beginning of the year. I was going to spend the rest of the year focusing on losing more weight so I could be healthy when we went to the RE once the insurance kicked in.

Plan Shman. Life just shit all over that plan.

So we will continue with weight loss, herbs, temp, etc etc fucking etc.

I'm so annoyed, 13 year olds get babies, meth heads get babies, people who don't want babies ...get babies... naturally, easily, with out ever charting a BBT temp, taking an OPK, or trying to carefully time intercourse ...they just fuck their boyfriend/drug dealer/ husband/random one night stand.. and VOILA! there's a baby!!! But when I try to make my wonderful, hardworking husband a father.... nope, sorry, out of order!!

Can you tell I'm a little tiny bit pissed off tonight?

Anyway, I'm going to go to bed, maybe have a few minutes of prayer and meditation to whatever entity or forces control this universe to TRY to understand this, Then I'm going to wake up in the morning... Hope  back on the diet wagon (i've been struggling this week) and suck it up. Sitting here miserable is not going to make me a baby. So tomorrow, I will pick up the pieces , but for tonight I cry, scream, & cuss!!

PCOS Awareness.

September is PCOS awareness month, bet ya didn't know it even existed did you? Neither did I until earlier this year.

Why is PCOS awareness important? PCOS affects 1 in 10 women and adolescent girls, it is the most common endocrine disorder and the leading cause of infertility in women. While not fatal like other issues that get so much awareness, is a dangerous condition. PCOS is a chronic condition that has no cure and leads to many other, potentially fatal diseases.

Left untreated women with PCOS are at a higher risk for diabetes,heart disease, high blood pressure, cholesterol issues, stroke, and endometrial cancers. It can also lead to depression and of course infertility. You would think a condition that causes that many issues would be at the forefront of public attention, but that is sadly not the case.

It is estimated that 7million women and girls worldwide are affected by PCOS, but only 50% are actually diagnosed. This is largely due to the fact that many healthcare professionals aren't fully educated on PCOS, it's affects, and proper treatment! Nothing erks me more that hearing that someone has PCOS is their Dr. just put them on the BCP, BC does not treat PCOS, it only masks the symptoms, but i'll stay off the soap box for now.

PCOS awareness is important because it is important for women and girls to know the signs and symptoms so that they can get diagnosed and start managing their PCOS properly. It is important because doctors need to know that when a teenage girl comes in with irregular cycles, telling the that that's just part of puberty is not always the answer and that if a girl or woman does have PCOS that BCP, is not the best treatment. Women with PCOS need to be made fully aware of the risks that they have for other diseases if they leave their PCOS unmanaged. PCOS awareness is important, because like other conditions that have awareness walks, merchandise, etc. , PCOS can had a devastating effect on those affected, and a cure needs to be found.

To help support PCOS awareness, visit the PCOS Foundation to find an awareness walk, donate, or find out other ways you can help!

I am currently selling these PCOS Awareness bracelets for $5/ bracelet, the money will go to the PCOS Foundation. Email me for more info on how to purchase one, it will also help you spread the word about PCOS.

Also,if you would like to help my PCOS Fun Run/Walk team raise money for the PCOS Foundation, you can donate at the link below.

TEAM PEACE, LOVE, & PCOS!-Donate Here!!

Paleo/ Weight loss update 8-26-12

1.Starting Weight/current weight/goal weight?
261(heaviest recorded)/237/175

24lbs lost!
62lbs to go!


2. How much weight have I lost this week?
since last weigh-in (a few weeks ago) I've lost 5.

3. What eating plan are you following?
Paleo.

4. What kind of exercise have I engaged in over this past week? How many hours?
Not much.... just a lot of house work, and that's about it.

5. How was I successful this week ?
 I would say I was about 98% Paleo this week. I even managed to stay in ketosis all week!

6. Any slips or set backs this week?
A few, but nothing major. (I just cannot say no to Casa Ole')

7. My motivation for losing weight this week?

Oddly enough, getting pregnant is not currently my main motivation. Like I've mentioned in previous blogs, I've had some anxiety lately about being pregnant. With the increased risks of miscarriage, gestational diabetes, high blood pressure, and pre-term labor that comes with PCOS, I realized that getting pregnant is only half of the battle, maintaining a health pregnancy will be hard if i'm not healthy going into it. So my motivation right now is to get healthy so I can not only get pregnant, but so I will be able to maintain a healthy pregnancy.

[edit]
8. Wild Card!!!
oops! forgot the wild card...
Um....here's pic of me all prettied up for a pin up girl class that I photoed yesterday.