2012.

2012.

So much has happened this year.

I started this year hopeless, defeated, & broken. 2012 has brought a lot of ups and down. It brought strength & determination. It brought me a new love and respect for my husband. It brought me ovulatory cycles. But it also brought loss, a loss that though it was early I will never understand or forget. My faith was tested. I questioned our plans, I questioned if were meant to have kids, and I questioned God.
At the end I had only enough strength to believe. I had no other choice than to have faith.

In 2012 we also found a house, our home. The home where we will raise our children, both ones that we conceive through natural or medical methods  and ones that we are blessed with through adoption.

2012 showed me that I am strong enough to beat this and 2013 will be the year that I do.

Peace,  Love, & Happy New Year Y'all,
Kayla

All I want for Christmas....

I am 7dpo and all I want for Christmas is for this cycle to work! This month marked 2 from when we stop preventing and in just 2 more months it will be 2 years since we actively started TTC. However,I can say I am much less frustrated, irritated, & depressed than I was last year. In fact, I would take "depressed" off that list entirely. Though as we approach another baby-less Christmas in the Vidrine house, it would be east to be angry, bitter, and depressed. However all of those emotions take far to much energy.

Here lately, I have made peace with my current state of childlessness because I know that it shall pass. I know in my heart of hearts that I will not be childless forever, our family will grow, possibly through good old-fashioned baby making, maybe with the help of fertility treatments or reproductive technologies, and definitely at some point through adoption. That is not to say that I don't still have bad moments, and even the occasional bad day, but I am choosing to not let those moments, hours, or days, when I feel bitter, jealous, or irritated define me as a person.

A while back, my amazing herbalist whom I love sent me a message that has stuck with me over these last few months. She told me to stop referring to myself as infertile, though it may be medically true. In her words, "The body obeys what the mind believes", In other words if my mind is constantly bitter, angry and 'infertile' then my body is going to be bitter, angry, and infertile. So as I sit here I think about how far I have come in the past year. I have lost about 30lbs, I have gone from 60+ day anovulatory cycles to 32-34 day ovulatory cycles. I am hopeful where I was before depressed and defeated. I no longer feel tired and irritable all the time, and I have learned to appreciate all the many blessings that I do have in my life, instead of focusing on what I don't have YET! I hope that all the amazing women I know that suffer from infertility can eventually find this peace. Here's to hoping for a Christmas miracle, I can only pray that this time next year will be our first Christmas with a baby and I also pray that all of my TTC friends get that gift too!

Merry Christmas Y'all

Positive AffirmationFriday- 11/2

So I've been slacking on Positive Affirmation Friday. To be honest, after our loss I wasn't feeling very positive for awhile. But because I have so many awesome people in my life, I have been in a pretty good mind set lately. I still have bad days, but don't we all.

I truly believe that I have been given this challenge for a reason. I believe it has made me a stronger person and a more compassionate and understanding person toward others. I am stronger than my challenges and I will beat them, and so will you. :)

Just rambling really.

Sorry I've been MIA lately. I've had other things on my mind. We found a house, to be specific, we found 'our' house. As soon as I saw it online, I knew it was ours. We drove by to look at it and I fell in love. We met with the realtor, had an actual viewing of it and I fell madly in love.
We got approved for the loan, had it inspected, made an offer, the seller's made a counter offer, and we accepted the counter offer. Now we wait for the lender to put the final 300 stamps of approval on it before we can close.

I must say although this process is long, drawn out, and mildly stressful, I am not nearly as stressed out as I thought I would be through this. It's actually a nice break from TTC, it has given me something else to focus on for awhile. Something that I am working toward that I can actually see the light at the end of the tunnel.

I THINK that I Oed again this month!! I've been a horrible temp-er so FF hasn't confirmed it yet but I had a pretty big temp jump on CD24, and the few temps i've done since have all been up in O range. We are still (kind of) trying to avoid (TTA). Basically, we are TTA but if it happens we will still be over the moon with excitement. I think we did good this cycle, we didn't have ST during the "fertile window", well actually we had ST on O-5 (5 days before O), which very rarely results in pregnancy, but I can...and it did when I got the +hpt last month when we were still TTC.
I will say knowing that I O, and that we "wasted an opportunity" is a little strange after nearly 2 years of trying to have perfect timing.

I'm still working on weight loss, and that as been a bust so far. I have not been able to find the energy, or motivation to diet or exercise. But I'm pretty on it today. I went to the store and bought lost of grass-fed beef(that was actually on MAJOR sale) some all natural chicken, bacon, and breakfast sausage. So hopefully I can actually get my shit together and actually start eating right again!

I'm on some new herbs and I will be starting some more soon. I will do a separate post on all that once I get them all in.

So for now I just need to stop being a fatty and eat right. CARBS BAD, SUGAR BAD,PROTEIN GOOD!!
and queue new manta..........

I might print thing out and tape it too the pantry, fridge, and keep it in my car! I wonder if I can talk the area Jack-in-the-Boxes and see if they can tape it too their menu boards, JITB tacos are my  biggest weakness currently.

Where do we go from here?

After about a week of moping around feeling angry, upset, and just plain pissed the fuck off....I realized, I need to snap out of it. Pouting, sitting on my ass, and eating cheesecake was not going to make me pregnant again. So I've put on my "big girl panties" and I'm dealing with it. Not that I won't always miss what we have lost, there will always be a little piece missing, but there is nothing I can do to change that.

I realized soon after the loss that we would have a decision to make, Option A- to jump right back into TTC, dive head first and hope we don't drown again or Option B- Take a break, spend some time out of the 'water' lounging in the sun to give our minds and my body time to find peace & recuperate. I talked to Eric some to try to get his opinion, he said he would like to start trying again right away, but that he will understand and respect any decision I make. So there it was, the decision was, for the most part, entirely mine to make.

 I've gone back and forth on my decision in the past week. On one hand, I don't want to miss any opportunities to get KTFU, since they don't come around regularly. Also, I'm ready to have our take-home baby, I'm ready to give birth and be a mom. On the other, I am a little terrified of actually being pregnant, too many complications come along with being overweight with PCOS and pregnancy. Miscarriage being one of them,but also high blood pressure, diabetes, etc. Originally I thought about just taking off a cycle, just for a little break. But the more I got to thinking about I the more I realized what is that I really want to do.

I honestly feel like we have spent the last 20 months trying to force something to happen, that just isn't meant to happen yet. God/ the universe/ nature was trying to tell us something, that my body is not healthy enough yet to  safely give life to another being. I want to have a healthy, safe, and natural pregnancy, birth, & baby. But how can I achieve that when I am not healthy? I cannot, there is no way that I can expect to go into a pregnancy unhealthy and somehow, magically, become healthy.So after much consideration we (well I) decided to TTA (try to avoid) for awhile. I'm not going on any birth control or anything, instead we are going to practice NFP (Natural Family Planning), for those of you who don't know what that is, basically after charting my BBT for so long TTC and these last few months actually being able to see the changes my temps and body goes though around the time of O... I know when I ovulate. So pretty much we will just avoid sex during that time. Now NFP is about as effective as hormonal birth control when practiced correctly, with normal cycles, which I do not have. So, it might not work, I might get pregnant anyway. Which of course would be perfectly fine and we would be more than happy, and I would just have to try my best to be as healthy as possible throughout the pregnancy. But knowing the increased risks of PCOS & Obesity , I just don't feel like those are risks that I am willing to take right now.

So when will be start trying again? Well really, even though we will be TTA for awhile, in my book we are still trying.I will still be talking steps to increase my fertility to make conception possible and pregnancy healthier, I will be trying to lose weight and trying to get health for myself and our future children. However,we will stop TTA when I reach my mini- weight loss goal of 210. Then hopefully in the in the time that it will take us to conceive again (which hopefully won't be too long) I can get that number under 200. So my goal is to get to 210 by the end of this year so we can start 2013 off on a good foot and hopefully 2013 will be our year! It's not going to be easy, that's 27lbs in 3 months but it's doable by losing just 2-3lbs a week.

So there is it. Our (well really My) plan of action. This blog has gotten long and rambley, so that's enough for now, I'll say more later.

Heartbroken.

Last night I wrote a blog. But I don't know if I want to publish it. It makes me cry. I might publish it one day, but for now it will just be a personal entry.

Long story short...
I was pregnant.
I am no longer pregnant.
I got to enjoy being pregnant for about 24 hours.
It was early.
About 4-5 weeks along.
But it was real.
It was wanted.
It was loved.
It is missed.
I am heartbroken.

Though no one will replace the little life that was lost, we will not stop trying. Who knows, maybe the same little soul will find it's way back to us. I'm not sure if we will hop right back on the TTC wagon. Physically we can, mentally is a different story all together.I have a few weeks to decide, so I guess we'll just play it by ear and see how it goes. I'll update as we decide.

Add caption

Hello. Goodbye.

[This is an entry I wrote back in September, after our loss. I didn't want to share it then so I just saved it as a draft, but now. I think I'm ready to share it]


Sorry I haven't updated lately, I've been busy and I haven't had much to share on the TTC front. However, that has changed and unfortunately not for the better.
This is a blog post that, to be honest, I don't want to write. But I know it's an important part of our journey,a part that though I wish had gone differently, I don't want to forget.

This cycle has been a little weird, Eric started a new job, and due to him leaving at a different time in the morning, my temping has been thrown off. But even with a lot of missing temps, I know I Oed, I don't know when, my guess is CD20...give or take a few days. I had symptoms that I know i only get after O and my temps where up in my normal O range. However due to a lack of ST, I didn't hold out much hope for this cycle. So I was surprised when I realized it was CD33,and  not only had AF not shown but I was still having some post-O symptoms (which usually stop a few days before my period). Anyway, I decided to test, late Friday night (9-21) I got a +hpt, it was faint, but it was positive. I showed it to Eric, who saw the second line as well, but didn't want to get too excited since I have had a false positive before. Well since that was my last test, I waited until he went to bed and went and bought some more. 4 faint but positive tests later, I woke him up FREAKING out! I knew I shouldn't get so excited that early on, but after nearly 2 years I was starting to think that I would never see two lines on a test.  He was happy but I could tell he was trying not to get too excited yet. But by morning I could see that he was excited, though still nervous. But we spent the day talking about baby stuff, arguing over potential names, and trying to decided when and how to tell our parents. I couldn't have been any happier that we were finally going to be parents, he would finally be a father. I just kept thinking about how I couldn't wait to see him hold our baby. By far the most painful part of this journey is that I can't make Eric a father, the one thing that he wants more than anything and to finally be able to tell him that he was going to be a daddy made me so happy.

That evening I was walking out to shoot a wedding, I kissed him bye and started to walk off, he grabbed me and pulled me back to him and kissed my belly. That moment is a moment I will never forget as long as I live. I was so happy, it felt so right,it's what I've wanted for so long. Unfortunately, good things don't always last. Just a few hours later, not even 24 hours after my first positive test, I started spotting. I tried to tell myself it was OK, that spotting is normal. So I got home and took it easy. But by Sunday afternoon I knew it was over, the bleeding had gotten heavy and I started to pass clots.

I'm heartbroken, I just don't understand why god/ the universe/ karma hates me so bad. What did I do! Why do child abusers and unfit parents get to have lots of babies but I have to try 20 months only to then miscarry only 24 hours after finding out that I'm pregnant. I'm sorry, but I'm not only upset, I'm pissed off! I know, one day, I might understand why this happened but for now it sucks.

I called my doctors and they were horribly unhelpful. Since I was so early in the pregnancy, I was just told to let I run its course and only call back if the bleeding got super heavy. I know there was nothing they could do, but a confirmation of what has going on would have been nice.

I'm trying to take comfort in the fact that I now know that it is possible for me to achieve pregnancy without major medical interventions and in the fact that I was pregnant, I got to see two lines on (several) HPTs, I got to wake my husband up to tell him the good news and even though it was for a very short time I had a little life inside of me. and though some people would say it was to early to count as a life or a baby. It was our first, very loved and very much wanted baby. Some women will never get to experience that, so in a way, I have been blessed with at least a little bit of a wonderful experience.

So to our baby, if you are out there somewhere in the universe... We love you, miss you, and wish you could have stayed with us. Goodbye, for now. Hopefully your beautiful little soul can find it's way back to us one day. Until then just know that mommy and daddy love you.

Let's pick up the pieces

Tonight, I am broken. After getting my hopes up about E's new job having insurance, I was informed that it is too expensive ($800/ month), and basically isn't worth it for us to use (has a $7,500 deductible, YIKES!) So even if we were to pay the monthly premium most of our RE visits would still be OOP, unless we got up to the point of IVF.

I lost my shit tonight. We had a plan. He got this job that had insurance(not the only reason he took the job, but it was a big plus), then insurance was going to take affect around the beginning of the year. I was going to spend the rest of the year focusing on losing more weight so I could be healthy when we went to the RE once the insurance kicked in.

Plan Shman. Life just shit all over that plan.

So we will continue with weight loss, herbs, temp, etc etc fucking etc.

I'm so annoyed, 13 year olds get babies, meth heads get babies, people who don't want babies ...get babies... naturally, easily, with out ever charting a BBT temp, taking an OPK, or trying to carefully time intercourse ...they just fuck their boyfriend/drug dealer/ husband/random one night stand.. and VOILA! there's a baby!!! But when I try to make my wonderful, hardworking husband a father.... nope, sorry, out of order!!

Can you tell I'm a little tiny bit pissed off tonight?

Anyway, I'm going to go to bed, maybe have a few minutes of prayer and meditation to whatever entity or forces control this universe to TRY to understand this, Then I'm going to wake up in the morning... Hope  back on the diet wagon (i've been struggling this week) and suck it up. Sitting here miserable is not going to make me a baby. So tomorrow, I will pick up the pieces , but for tonight I cry, scream, & cuss!!

PCOS Awareness.

September is PCOS awareness month, bet ya didn't know it even existed did you? Neither did I until earlier this year.

Why is PCOS awareness important? PCOS affects 1 in 10 women and adolescent girls, it is the most common endocrine disorder and the leading cause of infertility in women. While not fatal like other issues that get so much awareness, is a dangerous condition. PCOS is a chronic condition that has no cure and leads to many other, potentially fatal diseases.

Left untreated women with PCOS are at a higher risk for diabetes,heart disease, high blood pressure, cholesterol issues, stroke, and endometrial cancers. It can also lead to depression and of course infertility. You would think a condition that causes that many issues would be at the forefront of public attention, but that is sadly not the case.

It is estimated that 7million women and girls worldwide are affected by PCOS, but only 50% are actually diagnosed. This is largely due to the fact that many healthcare professionals aren't fully educated on PCOS, it's affects, and proper treatment! Nothing erks me more that hearing that someone has PCOS is their Dr. just put them on the BCP, BC does not treat PCOS, it only masks the symptoms, but i'll stay off the soap box for now.

PCOS awareness is important because it is important for women and girls to know the signs and symptoms so that they can get diagnosed and start managing their PCOS properly. It is important because doctors need to know that when a teenage girl comes in with irregular cycles, telling the that that's just part of puberty is not always the answer and that if a girl or woman does have PCOS that BCP, is not the best treatment. Women with PCOS need to be made fully aware of the risks that they have for other diseases if they leave their PCOS unmanaged. PCOS awareness is important, because like other conditions that have awareness walks, merchandise, etc. , PCOS can had a devastating effect on those affected, and a cure needs to be found.

To help support PCOS awareness, visit the PCOS Foundation to find an awareness walk, donate, or find out other ways you can help!

I am currently selling these PCOS Awareness bracelets for $5/ bracelet, the money will go to the PCOS Foundation. Email me for more info on how to purchase one, it will also help you spread the word about PCOS.

Also,if you would like to help my PCOS Fun Run/Walk team raise money for the PCOS Foundation, you can donate at the link below.

TEAM PEACE, LOVE, & PCOS!-Donate Here!!

Paleo/ Weight loss update 8-26-12

1.Starting Weight/current weight/goal weight?
261(heaviest recorded)/237/175

24lbs lost!
62lbs to go!


2. How much weight have I lost this week?
since last weigh-in (a few weeks ago) I've lost 5.

3. What eating plan are you following?
Paleo.

4. What kind of exercise have I engaged in over this past week? How many hours?
Not much.... just a lot of house work, and that's about it.

5. How was I successful this week ?
 I would say I was about 98% Paleo this week. I even managed to stay in ketosis all week!

6. Any slips or set backs this week?
A few, but nothing major. (I just cannot say no to Casa Ole')

7. My motivation for losing weight this week?

Oddly enough, getting pregnant is not currently my main motivation. Like I've mentioned in previous blogs, I've had some anxiety lately about being pregnant. With the increased risks of miscarriage, gestational diabetes, high blood pressure, and pre-term labor that comes with PCOS, I realized that getting pregnant is only half of the battle, maintaining a health pregnancy will be hard if i'm not healthy going into it. So my motivation right now is to get healthy so I can not only get pregnant, but so I will be able to maintain a healthy pregnancy.

[edit]
8. Wild Card!!!
oops! forgot the wild card...
Um....here's pic of me all prettied up for a pin up girl class that I photoed yesterday.

Positive Affirmation Friday-Episode 2.

As promised, every Friday I'm going to post some sort of positive affirmation to help me (and maybe you) with this journey. Most of them will be TTC/ IF?PCOS related but may apply to everyday life as well. I had a hard time thinking of something to say this week. I haven't had  bad week, but AF made her arrival Monday and that always puts a damper on my positivity. 

But I remembered an image, possibly from Post Secret, that I had set as the background of my computer early on in our TTC journey that I thought I could share.

This is pretty self-explanatory, but it's something that I have to remind myself of often. We live in a "fast-food society" not only in regards to the way we eat, but in the way we like thinks all done. quick, fast, and in a hurry.We hate waiting our turn in lines so when possible we pay bills & shop online,  then we hate having to wait 7-10 business days for a package to come, so we pay for express shipping. When we want to lose weight , we look for a magic pill or quick-fix diet that will give us the results that we want with out any work or effort on our parts.Hell, there are even websites where you can grocery shop online and order warm fresh cookies that are delivered right to your door.  We are so use to instant gratification in our every day lives that when we start TTC we expect our baby to be delivered warm, fresh, and fast! Seriously if you could express ship a baby!! OMG! I would have 10 by now!

The point is, just because it's taking your baby a little longer to arrive than it takes some woman does not mean that it will never come and when that time comes it will totally be worth the work and wait!

-disclaimer- I typed this while having some sort of debris in my eye so sorry for A) typos and B) rambling because I was too distracted to type a coherent sentence .

TTC Cycle 11ish...over and out.

Whelp my for the last several days my temp was slowly but surely creeping further and further down follow by a pretty big drop at 12dpo. It was still above the cover line, so I held out hope...but I knew I was out.
Today at 13dpo, my temp was slightly back up so I decided to test, so I went to PIAC only to discover that AF had made her arrival.

I'm a little bummed. But I'll be OK. I did O, so that is a huge victory in this battle. I think my friends were more bummed than I was. Jessica gave me a great pep talk, told me how much she hated that I had to go through this, and offered a listening ear, and shoulder to cry on if need be. Can I just say I have great friends!! Although I have made peace with this cycle ending in "failure", and don't feel the need to dwell on it or cry over it. It's great to have that kind of support.

So we are moving forward to cycle 12ish, again, I've lost count. If it's not cycle 12 then it's cycle 11....we'll say 12 though, because I think that 12 is right. :-/ I'll be doing my best to focus on my diet and exercise so that maybe I can O again and have anther chance to get  KTFU!

 Well that's it for now, this girl is sleepy!

I'M HERE, I'M INFERTILE, GET USE TO IT!

I originally was hesitant about starting this blog and making our struggle public knowledge by being so open on Facebook and with our friends and family. Even now, though we have been "out of the TTC closet" for awhile, when I post things PCOS/ infertility related stuff on Facebook I worry how it will be received. I wonder if people are annoyed by it (though I am annoyed by people 24/7 baby updates), or if it is going to met with ignorant comments such as "just have a lot of sex everyday & it will happen" or "y'all are young give it time" or "take one of my kids for a day, you'll change your mind about wanting kids " to which I say "sure I'll take one off your hands permanently  if they inconvenience you that much".

However, recently I have received reassurance that I made the right decision when I decided to make our struggle public. In the last several weeks I have had 4 ladies message me with questions about TTC & infertility. All of these women were at different points in their TTC journey, one is just starting the process and the other 3 are 6 months -2 years in. But none of these ladies have many ,if any, other women in their life that they know of that are TTC or dealing with infertility.

My question is WHY!? Infertility affects 1 in 7 couples, so chances are that all those women know  several other people that are struggling with IF, but don't realize it since most couples struggle in silence. Why is TTC and infertility something we feel we need to hide? Why is it such a taboo topic?

 I know that infertility is by far the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. As a woman, you feel like it is suppose to come naturally, it is what we were made to do. So when it doesn't happen naturally, we feel like we have failed and of course want to hide our failure. Why must we be afraid to say things about infertility & TTC because it might be met with ignorance? Well I'm going to make a bold statement here, and it's just my opinion so do what you want with it. We have to to scared of  the ignorance surrounding infertility BECAUSE we are too scared to speak up.That's right, our infertility IS NOT our fault...but when we allow those around us to remain ignorant because we remain silent...their ignorance IS our fault. Silence breeds misunderstanding & ignorance, and that is true with any condition, situation, or issue.

We need to speak up and be open and honest about infertility. When we do we can finally realize that we are not alone in our pain,and support each other. We can teach to those people that are ignorant about the subject how to be compassionate and supportive to friends and family that may be infertile. We can teach them that infertility is a medical issue that "just relaxing" or "getting drunk and having sex" will not fix. We can hopefully soften hearts of parents that have been blessed with children easily or even on accident, but view them as burdens, to make them realize how lucky they truly are. We can assure other women that have been dealt this horrible card that they are not failures. We can raise awareness for more research which will hopefully lead to cures for common infertility causing diseases and  awareness for better infertility coverage on insurance. We can make 'Infertility Awareness' just as common as 'Breast Cancer Awareness'...but we cannot be afraid to SPEAK UP!

TTC cycle 11 [I think] Update.

We are quickly approaching 2 years TTC now. This is month 19, but only cycle 11 or maybe just 10. I'm not entirely sure any more. But, I'm still taking my MF and many other vitamins and supplements along with the herbal tea (which I don't drink religiously, because I forget to make it at night) and my herbal tincture, which despite it tasting like dirt and grass, I do actually remember to take.As far as diet, I'm not perfectly Paleo.... but I try my best. Sometimes I fail but I've been doing better about getting right back on the wagon.

This cycle, I am hopeful. I am currently 7(well by the time I post this it will probably be midnight) so actually, 8dpo. My chart is looking really good and I'm having some 'phantom symptoms'. Mild cramping, sore boobs, fatigue... all things that could be signs that I'm FINALLY knocked up, but also possibly just signs that AF is on her way.

I keep thinking about the two possible outcomes and I'm finding myself a little scared to be pregnant. Obviously that is the outcome that I want, but I can't help but be scared of some of the unknowns that come along with pregnancy and PCOS. I've spent so long focusing on GETTING pregnant with PCOS, I haven't given much thought to BEING pregnant with PCOS. This is totally a 'cart before horse' anxiety that i'm having right now, but for some reason I can't seem to get it off my mind. Woman with PCOS have a higher miscarriage rate, as well as higher rates of gestational diabetes and high blood pressure, which of course cause issues of their own. Now, I know that if we come to that bridge proper diet along with exercise can help you avoid/manage those issues. But I'm just being a worrier.

On the other hand, I cannot stop looking at all things baby related. Birth photography, baby clothes, slings, breastfeeding stuff, natural birth stuff, nursery themes, ALL OF IT!

I need to slow my roll, like fo' real yo.

How Fat is Kayla Day-08/02/12

1.Starting Weight/current weight/goal weight?
261(heaviest recorded)/242/175

67lbs to go!


2. How much weight have I lost this week?
I've gained 2, but I feel bloated, so that might be a contributing factor.

3. What eating plan are you following?
I've been about 50% Paleo this week

4. What kind of exercise have I engaged in over this past week? How many hours?
No gym this week, but I've brought Deuce on a few walks this week (we have a 3 mile route)

5. How was I successful this week ?
I could have done better, i also could have done much much worse. But I think I've managed to stay in slight ketosis most of the week.

6. Any slips or set backs this week?
A lot, at least one a day.

7. My motivation for losing weight this week?

Just want a baby.... :-(


8. Wild Card!!!

I found this quote awhile back and i'm really liking it lately. Although I feel unbelievably cheated that what woman are suppose to do naturally and many many many woman do easily and often "on accident", I have to fight like hell for. 

It's How Fat is Kayla Day!

OK, so I haven't done a weigh-in lately, because honestly I've been horrible about dieting but I've been pretty good this week and I think I need to start posting them again. So here I go....

Starting Weight/current weight/goal weight?
261(heaviest recorded)/240/175

65lbs to go!

During the time that I haven't been dieting, I gained back about 6ish lbs, which I'm happy to say is GONE! My weigh at the start of this week was 246.

2. How much weight have I lost this week?
6 lb.

3. What eating plan are you following?
Mostly Paleo, i've 'cheated' a few times but overall I have been doing pretty good and am in moderate ketosis!

4. What kind of exercise have I engaged in over this past week? How many hours?
I've been to the gym 2 times this week and i'm headed there again in about an hour. Hour wise... about 2 hours of gym time. 

5. How was I successful this week ?
I have actually eating (mostly) right this week and have made it to the gym.

6. Any slips or set backs this week?
Um, I did had a Sonic breakfast toaster and tots Tuesday for breakfast :(

7. My motivation for losing weight this week?
I saw a recent picture of myself....oh god, it was bad!

8. Wild Card!!!
Rocks hurt when you step on them, I don't suggest it to anyone.

Cycle 10.

Well after 17 months and 10 cycles TTC, I'm still not knocked up. AF showed Tuesday, oddly enough only 24 days after her last visit. I've never had a cycle this short and i'm a little freaked out, I'm hoping my cycles stay short...but not this short.

Other than that I really don't have much to talk about. Maybe later.

Peace and love- Kayla

Oh, Disney. You get me.

This is how I feel today. And every day that ends in 'Y'. Its weird that I remember seeing this scene in Dumbo as a child and feeling sad and thinking that it wasn't fair that Mrs. Jumbo wasn't getting a baby when everyone else was....probably because I was an extremely spoiled child that wanted what everyone else got. and  I usually got it!

Now I see everyone else getting what I want and what I cannot seem to have. AND IT SUCKS!!  I wish this could be fixed with a bratty temper tantrum like when I was 6! Do you think if I throw myself on the floor, cry, scream, and yell "I want a baby, I want a baby right now".... that i'll get a baby? It worked when I was 6, seriously you should have seen my toy box... it was FULL of babies. Albeit, they were plastic ...but it could work for a real baby, right?

Also, thinking about it. I bet Mrs. Jumbo had PCOS. I feel your pain Mrs. Jumbo, I feel your pain.

I'm out!

Whelp,this cycle is done for, AF showed today! BOO! I was a little upset, since I got my hopes up with that [false] positive. But I'm trying to stay positive. Easier said than done...but I realized that I can either a) be mad/ depressed/ bitter/ pissed off, stay in bed  and do nothing for a week but eat, sleep, & poop. or b) realize that it wasn't meant to be this cycle, move on and choose to be happy and do my best to get my body healthy.

I'm choosing 'b'....that doesn't mean I'm not going to wake up tomorrow and be pissed off and want to switch to option  'a'. But, I can't... It's not productive and/or healthy

So here is the plan of attack...
1. Choose every day to be happy regardless of how my ovaries are acting.
2. Get back on my diet come hell or high water
3. Get my fat ass back to the gym, again..come hell  or high water
4. Start temping again this cycle, just to know what's going on and if i'm actually Oing

I've decided to start school in September to get my massage therapy licence. That will take until the end of March. So my plan is to stay on the plan we are on until then, after I finish school if there is not a baby Vidrine on the way...then we will start infertility treatment.

So that's it..for now. I don't want to write too much since I'm tired and will prob start rambling.. so good night!

Peace & Love Y'all-
Kayla!

Any signs of life?

The last 2 weeks has been, hard. Every cramp, twitch, sniffle, etc. has "surely been a sign I'm pregnant". I made the mistake of starting to test early (around 10dpo), but since I didn't temp this cycle I could have been less. Anywho, after several BFFN a few days in a row I became pretty discouraged.Then when I woke up today [I won't say this morning since it was about 1pm :D ], I decided to take another test, to my disbelief, I saw a second line, faint..but defiantly there [don't get too excited yet, the story isn't over]. So in shock I dip another one of my IC [internet cheapies, cheap tests you order online] wait a few mins... NEGATIVE! Knowing these ICs can vary somewhat in their sensitivity, I decided to run to Walgreen's to buy a First Response test, hoping that I would get a clear-er answer. Well as I was getting dressing Eric called to say we was on his was home, since he got rained out of work. So I got him to stop and pick up a test.He came home, super excited...only to be let down. FR test was also negative. :'(

I know it's not over yet. There is a possibility that the first test that I took was extra sensitive and the other tests aren't picking it up because I'm not as many DPO as I think. But only time will tell, I'm trying to no stress and just give it up to the universe, but considering I have heartburn, cramps, a stabby boob pains...it's hard to get my mind off of it. I can't help but think, is this our first sign of life?

So for now I continue to wait, impatiently, praying to God..begging, pleading, bargaining for a child to love.

2 week waiting.

For those of you who don't understand TTC language the 2 week wait (or 2ww) is the 2 weeks between ovulation and your expected period or when you will get a positive pregnancy test.

These two weeks will make you crazy. Every twitch, cramp, headache, etc is a 'sign of pregnancy'. Babies and being pregnant pretty much consume your every thought! I am currently in the 2ww. I think.

So last cycle was 'normal', like text book normal. Aunt Flo was here cycle day 1-4, then I started having light cramping on CD9 or 10 and then CD14-16 i had EWCM (fertile cervical mucus). Since I was not temping or using OPKs this cycle I have no way to confirm ovulation. But in the wee morning hours of CD28, I went to the bathroom and discovered AF was back in town! WTF, she's usually never on time! So based on my normal 15 day luteal phase, I think I Oed CD14! Again, i have no way to confirm this, but with it being so short and perfect with the timing of the EWCM, I'm almost certain I Oed! I was hoping that it would be our BFP cycle, but no such luck, I was still very excited that I had normal cycle.

So far this cycle seems to be going well too! I noticed some minor cramping around CD10 and decided to take some ovulation tests for the next few days. My best guess according to my CM and OPKs would put my O at CD13/14. So being 8-9dpo I've already lost my mind..it has been the longest 8 days! I just want to test! NOW! Especially since I'm having crampyness in the left side of my ute, which could be a sign of implantation (see there is the crazyness I was talking about) But it's too early to test. I will start testing on Saturday! Fingers crossed for a BFFP!

12 ways to 'GO GREEN' in 2012.[half way there]

 So up until thins point this blog has only covered our TTC journey, but I think I'm also going to expand it to cover other things about me.My photography, my hippie-ness, whatever I feel like really. It will mainly stay a TTC/IF/PCOS blog but a little variety won't hurt, it's the spice of life, right!?

Ok, so with the year half over I though I would stop and examine how I'm doing on my New Year's Resolutions.  I had several this year, one of which was to be more eco-friendly. Call me a dirty liberal hippie...whatever, there is nothing wrong with 'going green' and helping to save our earth.We only have one, you know!? So I decided to change one product or habit a month to a 'greener option'

So far, I've been doing really good. He's how the Vidrine house has 'gone green' so far in 2012...

1. Recycle!- our town now offers a recycling drop-off center for plastic, cans, & paper. So at the beginning of the year, we started recycling. For all you seTX locals:  Here is info about local drop off sites!

2. DIY Laundry- I started making DIY laundry powder. Not only is this more eco-friendly because its all natural, it's also much cheaper than buying expensive laundry detergent and your not using lots of nasty chemicals that can irritate your skin! The powder alone works wonders on stink towels and Eric's rancid work clothes, I've never used a detergent that could get the smell of "refinery" out of clothes, but this does the job! However if i have a load that I think is extra stinky I'll toss 1/2-1 cup of vinegar into the rinse cycle. Vinegar helps deodorize, sanitize, and soften!
'Recipe' is as follows:
1 cup WASHING soda
1/2 cup BAKING soda
1 bar Castile soap (I use Kirk's Pure Castile)


Use either a cheese grater or a blender to grate the soap (blender is MUCH quicker) 
Mix soap together with the washing and baking soda! Use 1tbsp per load.

That's it! I usually triple the recipe and the powder lasts for months!


3.DIVA CUP- I LOVE MY DIVA CUP! It is the best $20 I've ever spent! No more pads or tampons, no cardboard or plastic waste from tampons. AND no more harsh chemicals or bleached fibers for my hooha! Tampons do have nasty things in them, including BPAs, that can throw off vaginal pH. Also for PCOSers BPAs can have effects on hormone levels. Also, for all you 'pads only' ladies, look into "Mama cloth" which is cloth pads, pads contain nasty chemicals to, and just because they don't go inside of you, doesn't mean they don't put chemicals into your body, and they still fill up landfills! Check out the Diva Cup site for more info. Also I recommend ordering them off Amazon, they're much cheaper!

4. Reusable shopping bags-I have been using reusable shopping bags on and off for awhile,but this year I have started using them religiously.

5.Said NO to bottles- when I stopped allowing cokes in the house we were buying A LOT of bottled water! Which was creating A LOT of plastic waste, and even though we started recycling them, I though that we should just try to eliminate that waste all together. So we got a water filter and some reusable water bottles...easy, peasy... problem solved! Plus it's A LOT cheaper!

That is what has been implemented so far...but I have a few things in the works.
COMING SOON-
'Unpaper' Towels- basically just cute homemade rags that snap together like a paper towel roll. I have the material to make them. I just need a sewing machine and sewing skills! I'll post a picture when I make them!
Composting-To help eliminate more waste, I'm starting to compost. Again, I have all the materials for this..I just need to do it. I'll update on this when it's through.

So that will make 7. If I 'go green' 5 more ways, I will have actually completed a new year's resolution!
I encourage all of you to take steps to make your own house 'greener' no only for the earth (which is important) but also eliminating unnecessary chemicals from your life is better for YOU!

Weigh-In 6/3 [day late, oops]

I forgot about the weekly weigh-in, sorry. So I am posting a day late, even though I really don't want to post at all.


Starting Weight/current weight/goal weight?
261(heaviest recorded)/242/175

67lbs to go!

2. How much weight have I lost this week?
1 lb.

3. What eating plan are you following?
I'm suppose to be doing Paleo, but i've had a rough couple of weeks, diet wise.

4. What kind of exercise have I engaged in over this past week? How many hours?
no gym time this week. Just house work really and getting out chocolate lab out from underneath the house, which was a work out, trust me!

5. How was I successful this week ?
Well, you see...what had happened was....

6. Any slips or set backs this week?
I plea the 5th!

7. My motivation for losing weight this week?
I think I Oed again this cycle, per some EWCM and +[looking] OPKs, but im only on CD17 so we will see in 10 days or so!

8. Wild Card!!!
MUST. GET. BACK.ON.DIET!

Weigh-In 5/25/12

Ok so my TTC buddy, V, suggested we start posting weekly weigh-ins on our blogs, as a wak to stay accountable.. so im going to give it a shot.

Starting Weight/current weight/goal weight?
261(heaviest recorded)/243/175

68lbs to go!

2. How much weight have I lost this week?
up 2 actully. :-/

3. What eating plan are you following?
Paleo Diet

4. What kind of exercise have I engaged in over this past week? How many hours?
gym today for about an hour. and helping a friend move(that should cound for something)

5. How was I successful this week ?
I made it to the gym once...thats about it!

6. Any slips or set backs this week?
ALL WEEK LONG! It's been a bad week for my diet! Getting back on the wagon tomorrow.

7. My motivation for losing weight this week?
I had a 'normal' cycle last cycle! a textbook perferct 28 days. so im hoping to stay healthy and repeat that again!
8. Wild Card!!!
I feel horrible about cheating all week long! ANYTIME  I cheat, I feel guilty that I'm not doing what I need too for my family, like I'm being a bad mother already.

Happy Reminder You're Not a Mother Day.

So I know I haven't updated in awhile, since Eric's exciting sperm news. But with with it being  Mother's Day ...I felt like some therapeutic blogging was in order. Mother's Day is hard for a many people... mothers who have lost children, children who have no mother in their lives or anyone who has lost their mother. And people easily understand why this day is hard on them. But there is another group who also dread Mother's Day, and people don't seem to think about them or understand why this day upsets them. Yes people, I'm talking about those of us who are childless, and not by choice. It's cool, I didn't truely understand until this year...

Last year a close friend of my who was about a 1 1/2 years TTC at the time had a mini-break down. I tried my best to comfort her, but I was only a few months into TTC at the time, so I'm sure I wasn't much help. I remember thinking, and probably saying something to the effect of "well it will be better next year, we'll both have babies or at least be pregnant by next mother's day" OH TO BE NAIVE!
Unfortunately, another Mother's Day is here and the both of us, along with many other lovely ladies that wish night & day for a baby are still, babyless.

This year I understand my friend's break down. Being at about a year and a half now, the thought of a childless Mother's Day really stings. Knowing I will not hear "Happy Mother's Day", get flowers from my DH, or little hand print pictures from kidlets, Hearing everyone wishing each other 'Happy Mother's Day' in Sunday School in the morning will be a reminder that we are the only childless couple in the class. During the service all the mother's will receive roses and the sermen will surely be about something pertaining to Mother's Day. I'm sure there will be some sort of statement made to the effect of what a "blessing children and motherhood" is which will undoubtedly make me want to go to the bathroom and ugly cry, and then there is also the heightened threat of someone asking when we are going to have kids. Can you tell I'm already a little on edge!?

The main reason, to be, that this is going to be a hard day is that in some ways I feel like a mother already. I know this sounds crazy, but I plan for, sacrifice for, and love my children, even though they are not conceived yet. I spend my time researching ways to conceive these babies, I take nasty vitamins and herbs. I have pretty much cut out sugar, carbs, caffeine, and alcohol to better control my PCOS so I can get knocked up. I take metformin, which makes me violently sick. I wake up at 5am every morning to take my temp and pee on OPKs daily to try to track my ovulation (except for right now since we are still on a 'break'). All of this just for a chance to the called 'Momee'. I've planned so much already from a birth plan, to the type of cloth diapers i want to use, even the the names for 3 girls and 2 boys. Now all i need is the babies for all these plans.

my friend sent me this poem awhile back that I thought i would share with everyone for Mother's Day. It really is the perfect explanation of how I, and most infertiles feel on mother's day.

Happy Mother's Day”
it comes around every year;
but when you have empty arms,
it's very hard to hear.

It's a day to celebrate a mother,
for all the trials she overcame;
and a reminder to an infertile
of her loneliness and shame.

But what really makes a mother,
Is it just conception and birth?
Or is there something more,
that shows a mother's worth?

It's putting your child first,
in everything you do;
it's sacrifice and determination,
and love and patience too.

An infertile woman makes all her plans,
around a child not yet conceived;
she loves them even though they aren't here,
more than she ever could have believed.

She appreciates and understands,
what a blessing that children are;
she works hard for just a chance,
that motherhood is not that far.

All odds are stacked against her,
and yet she still has hope;
everyday is another struggle,
finding ways to help her cope.

So even though her arms are empty,
she can still be a mother too;
So say a special “Happy Mother's Day”
for those waiting for their dreams to come true!
So Happy Mother's Day to every woman. Whether you have kids or are still on your journey toward motherhood. Empty arms are hard, especially on this day, so if you know a woman struggling with infertility, make her arms not empty for a second by giving her a hug!

Here's to hoping things will be different next year.

ALSO... HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY MOMEE, I LOVE YOU, you're the best!

Houston we have...

SPERM!

This morning I talked to the RE about E's results and though they could be better...she said they were average!! I'm not going to lie, for the past nearly 4 years since Eric and I have been together I've worried about the effect of this cancer treatments on his fertility. Even when his Oncologist assured us that there shouldn't be an issue... I was still nervous.

I'm a happy girl right now! It's a huge weight off our shoulders now that we know he's not part of the issue. On the other hand, now I know its all me... the ball is in my court and it's time to get serious.We are quickly approching a year and a half now and i'm ready to be done with this TTC crap for awhile!

I've lost a few pounds since starting the Paleo Diet. I've also noticed an increase in energy!! I've have horrible sugar and carb cravings though, like hardcore, wet-dream type of cravings. lol. Hopefully those will go away soon or i might kill someone!

Well that's about all I have to update for now!! BYE!

Don't Ignore... PCOS.

Ok, so to stick with NIAW's theme of "Don't Ignore Infertility" I decided that a "Don't ignore PCOS" post was appropriate.

I want to start off my saying that all infertility, no matter if its due to PCOS, Endometriosis, Male Factor or even unexplained IF is hard. My IF journey is the most difficult and emotional ordeal I have ever been through. All forms of infertility need research and support. However, with PCOS being the leading cause of IF in woman (affects 1 in 10 women) research and awareness are critical. PCOS is more than a fertility issue, it can cause a vast array of issues from mood swings, acne, hirsutism (excess hair growth), to more serious issues such as depression, diabetes, endometrial cancers & heart attack.

I ignored my PCOS symptoms for a lot longer than I should have, through out my teens my cycles were very irregular, if i got them at all. From age 17-19 I didn't even have a period, why I didn't go to the Dr...I'm not really sure... scared, I guess. And before that I would go months or a year without a cycle at all. I wish I would have seen the Dr. then because if i had my PCOS could be under control by now, making it easier to conceive.

There are many signs and symptoms of PCOS, and I urge anyone that is experiencing these or any other 'lady issues' to seek medical advice.
 Symptoms of PCOS include:
-Few or absent periods (especially if you have 6 or less periods a year)
-Heavy, irregular bleeding
-Acne
-Other skin issues such as skin tags and dark velvety skin patches under the arms on the back of  the neck, in the groin area and occasionally knees and elbows
-Hair loss from the head and/or irregular hair growth on the body
-Depression
-Weight gain & obesity, especially around the abdomen
-Difficulty losing weight, even with diet and exercise
-Repeat miscarriages
-Difficulty getting pregnant (after 1 year of trying)

Don't ignore these symptoms, the sooner you get to the Dr. and get diagnosed, the sooner and can start treatment and get your PCOS under control and the earlier you catch it the easier it can be to manage (there is no cure). Also like I said earlier, if you are having ANY 'lady issues' see your Dr. even if they are not PCOS related they can still be serious and have an impact on your health and fertility.

Furthermore,  if you get diagnosed with PCOS or have already been diagnosed...DON'T IGNORE YOUR PCOS! Though there is no cure for PCOS, it can be well managed with meds, diet, and exercise. Some woman can actually clear them selves of symptoms completely with proper diet & exercise. They key to PCOS weight loss is a low carb/ low GI type of diet (IE. Atkins, South Beach, etc.) Also the Paleo diet is suppose to work WONDERS for PCOS, it is the diet I'm currently on per orders of my herbalist. I've only started it a few days ago so i can't say how its working, but I've read and head lots of good things about it. Also, weight-baring exercise is good for PCOS due to the fact that building muscle helps increase the metabolism. Not caring for your PCOS can lead to more weight gain, high blood pressure and cholesterol which increase your risk of heart attack and stroke, diabetes, and many other issues. Bottom line, take care of yourself.

The last thing I want to talk about in this post, even though I think I will be posting a lot this week on similar topics, is don't ignore the fact that the infertility cause by PCOS (and many other issues) is a REAL problem. People sometimes think that infertility is not a real issue due because "it won't kill you" or "worse things could happen". Like I've already discussed PCOS can lead to some very real health conditions and Endometriosis can too. But in addition the psychological effects of infertility a numerous. Coming to terms with the fact that you may never be able to have children is devastating, especially for women who spend their entire childhood playing house with baby dolls, pretending to be mommies. I know personally I wanted to be a lot of different things growing up... an ice skater (until my my pointed out to me that ice skaters don't have big boobs, and i decided having big boobs was more important PS: i was 8 at the time), a rock star, and actress, and I'm sure the list goes on but one thing that has never changed is that I wanted to be a Mom. Always, from my earliest memories. Now i'm sure many of you are thinking 'just adopt'...which is a legit option that we have considered. We want to adopt even if we can have biological children, we both would still love to adopt a child or 2.
However, for you non-infertiles. Think about how excited you were when you found out you were pregnant, and when you went to ultrasound appointment. Try to remember the joy you felt when you felt your baby move inside of you for the first time and how completely in awe you were when you baby was born and you got hold him for the first time and see that he had your eye and daddy's nose. I want that, I want that more than I've ever wanted anything in my entire life. I want to be able to bring a life into this world that is half me and half  my wonderful, loving husband. So 'just adopting' isn't that simple, aside from the reason I just laid out its also can be a long and expensive process. Also, NEVER under any circumstance, EVER EVER EVER tell someone who is struggling with infertility to "just relax" and it will happen. Especially women with  a documented medical reason for their infertility, such as PCOS. Relaxing will not make them magically ovulate!

So, what's the moral of the story kids?
-If you think you might have PCOS or any other lady issues----go see a Dr. SOON, don't ignore your symptoms!
-If you have been diagnosed with PCOS----take care of yourself, don't ignore your health!
-If you know someone who struggles with PCOS or infertility of any sort----Don't ignore or dimiss their feelings and NEVER EVER EVER tell them "just relax"

TTC-cation update.

So I thought I would come update since I haven't really done that in a while, with the exception of my Easter candy rant!

Basically out TTC-cation isn't going as well as I had hoped. I fell off the 'diet and gym wagon' BAD! I'm trying to climb back on but this fat girl just can't seem to catch up! I can't stop think about TTC and its doesn't helped that I'm on CD50-ish... I'm not really sure because I 'paused' my Fertility Friend subscription temporarily so I can't log on to see what CD I'm on. Anyway.. it's longer that i has been in a while/ longer than I should be, so I'm just about ready to scream. And since I'm not temping I don't know when or if I've ovulated, so I don't know when to expect AF!

I'm about to start a new herbal regiment. Not sure what it's going to be yet, i'm going to be talking to my herbalist tomorrow to see what she's going to recommend. She does want me to stop the Vitex tea that I've been drinking due to that if have negative effects on some woman with PCOS.

I'm also currently debating on if I want to start temping again at the start of next cycle, or if I want to wait until I get to my goal weight before hoping back on the TTC wagon. Also, Eric is going for his check up with his oncologist tomorrow (it should be one of his last appt since he's almost 5 years cancer free!!) and we will hopefully be getting a referral for a sperm analysis so the RE in our area will do one (if you aren't a current patient with them they require a referral for a s/a). Honestly, I'm scared shitless at the though of his sperm analysis results coming back bad, though his Dr. assures us that he shouldn't have a problem due to his cancer treatments, I can't help but think the worst. not to mention there are plenty of men that have sperm issues for reasons not related to health issues.. for all we know he could just be shootin' blanks for no reason what so ever. But it's just really scary to think that the results can completely change everything, if it come back saying he is completely sterile then any hope of us ever having a biological child will be gone and will with have to consider if we want to possibly look in to sperm donation or just skip right to adoption. Also, if it comes back saying he has a low count/ bad motility or morphology then we might be skipping right to IVF cause if he has 'slow' sperm I know they will never find my 1 egg that I ovulate once in a blue moon! lol.
So although I'm being a total negative Nancy, I'm really hoping for lots and lots of good strong sperm!! lol. I guess I'm using what I call hurricane logic "prepare for the worst, but expect the best".

Let me just say...THIS SUCKS. All of it, the fact that the one thing that everyone else seems to be able to do so easily .. I can't. It sucks that my hopes of having a baby to celebrate this Christmas with are gone, crushed by PCOS! I need to have a pity party, with lots of booze! lol.

Easter Candy...

is the devil. For real, it has been my weekness these last few weeks! Need. to. be. strong. and diet.!!!

that is all!

Are you there God?

Its nice to have friends that understand what I'm going through. But at the same time it makes my heart hurt that they have to go through the same things. My best friend has been struggling with IF for over 2 years now, i have an online TTC buddy that has been TTC for about 2 years and know several other ladies that have TTTC (trouble TTC). Its not fair, all of these ladies would make great mothers. So the fact that they (and I) can't, when every other 16 year old or cracked out meth head can pop out a baby a year... just baffles me!

And I HATE when people say that it's just part of 'God's plan'..because I'm almost certain it's not in 'God's plan' for some meth-head to get knocked up and have a baby that is going to be abused or neglected!

I need to start going to meditation again, I think God & I have some issues we need to work out.

Ok. vent over, for now!

The Wild World of TTC & our current plan of action.

Trying to conceive is hard. It's not lots and lots of fun sex, pretty BBT charts,positive OPKs(ovulation tests) and BFPs. Anyone who will tell you other wise is either A) a dirty filthy liar or B) only tried for a few cycles before getting their BFP [bitches!]

There is an ugly side to TTC, a dark seedy underbelly. It's full of boring timed intercourse even though you don't want your husband's penis near you but you dare not skip having intercourse because you MIGHT be ovulating and you will kick yourself if you miss an opportunity, negative OPKs, or worse ... false positive OPKs due to your PCOS, erratic BBT charts, or BBT charts that give you false hope then rip it away a few days later, and of course the infamous B.F.F.N (big fat f'n negative) pregnancy test.

These things aren't so bad at first. Of course the first 3ish months of TTC, you're pretty hopeful and these things probably don't both you very much, if at all. Then about month 4 or 5 months into it you start getting frustrated, you think "why is this not working" ,or "what are we doing wrong" and you add a new herb, vitamin, or supplement to your routine and and go back to being hopeful because you know for sure this vitamin/tea/POM regime will work and you'll see that BFP soon. Well month 7 and 8 roll by..still no BFP and as you close in on the 9 month mark you start to LOSE.YOUR.SHIT. You realize that you are quickly approaching the dreaded 1 year mark that will leave you with  the "trouble trying to conceive" and "infertile" labels and that if you don't make a baby soon there are going to be lots of RE appts. in your near future. So you start doing everything you can think of: drinking green tea to help with cervical mucus production, using a sperm friendly lube, elevating your hips for 30 mins after sex because despite the research that it doesn't really help...'it can't hurt right'. you also have every vitamin and supplement that 'Dr Google' said might help.

Then it happens.. your temps look hopeful your OPKs looked positive to you and your online TTC buddies,not to mention you are have PG symptoms from hell through out your entire 2ww (two week wait, the two weeks between ovulation and your expected period/ positive pregnancy test). Finally you make it to the day of testing, you speed walk to the bathroom in the morning, pull out your pee cup (cause every TTCer has a certain cup), pee in the cup and on your hand cause lets face it ...we ladies can't aim. Then you excitedly dip the test into the cup, and watch as the peed goes across the test, the entire time thinking "omg that's a line, wait no, yea thats totally a line" then you blink and by the time your eyes refocus the 'line' in no longer visible..you wait the 3 mins, then pick up the test and look at it from every angle possible and in every lighting condition that is available to you at the moment. But no matter how much you squint or in what direction you tilt the test...there is no 2nd line...its a BFN. You try to tell your self that it could be wrong, or that you started testing a little too early,and that you will test again in a few days if AF doesn't show (but let's face it you're going to test again tomorrow). However when you enter your temps into your chart the next morning...you notice the temp drop and you know..you're out, this cycle is done for. So not wanting to see or speak to anyone that day you call in sick to work and spend the entire day in bed watching all the Harry Potter DVDs you got for xmas [ok so maybe that's just me].

Then, before you know it. It's month 12. You have officially passed the 'normal' length of time it takes the average couple to conceive.Needless to say, this is a hard place to be ... it's sad and lonely.


This is the place we have been in for many months now, I think we got there a few months early. And after getting the news that our insurance was not going to cover and testing or treatments we found ourselves at a cross road. Do we pursue testing and treatments and pay OOP, or  do we continue the trying as we have been with OPKs , BBT charts and trying our best to pin point my very erratic ovulation so we can have timed intercourse. Well at first the 2nd option sounded better, Eric and I both agreed that dumping money into treatments that may not work is not our best option right now, in the future for sure, but now now. But then I realized there was an option that I wasn't considering. Stop trying.

Thanks right folks, you heard me. We have stopped trying, for now. This is in no way a permanent thing. We are just on a TTC-cation, so to speak. no OPKs, to BBT charting, no checking cervical mucus. To hell with it all [for now]. This was a very hard decision, I was desperate to have a baby my the end of the year/ early 2013. But after nearly 14 months of fighting, I need a break. There are days that it's all I can think about , days that I can't breathe when I think about it and some days those two things overlap and it makes the day very very hard, to say the least. So for my own sanity, I'm done, for awhile.

The next few months im going to put all the energy that i've been putting into TTC in to my health and well-being and into my much neglected photography business. Last week I started the 'low amylose diet' that is suppose to work wonders for woman with PCOS, especially when you are also taking  MF. And I joined the gym at the end of Jan, and though i must admit I have fallen off the wagon the last 2 weeks,im ready to get back to it.

So, I am still going to be working toward improving my fertility with weight loss, diet and metformin but I dont want to see my BBT thermometer or an OPK for atleast 2 months, maybe longer. We'll just have to see how it goes. So its back to the slightly more peaceful world of 'not trying, not preventing' for awhile, I like it here..its much easier to breathe.